Lumière // h.s

[ o n e ]

Caitlin's POV.

This is it. Freedom. The past 4 years i've spent here at university has finally paid off and i'm going to graduate.

So why the hell can't I get out of this bathroom stall? I stood, my head hanging over the the toilet bowl, trying to calm my nerves. Don't worry, this is my normality.

“Cait?”

 “Mhmm?” I say hearing my younger sister Lottie walk through the door.

 “Fiz is here too.” She speaks. “Are you.. okay?”

 I shake my head. “Yeah, just a little nerves.” I lie.

 “Okay.. Mum wanted us to come and get you. The ceremonies starting literally any second.” Fiz replies.

 “I'll just be a minute.” I answer waiting for the white stars to pass. This is just how my life goes. I can't go to any social event without having to run to the toilet and feeling like i'm about to pass out. Graduation sounded great, the planning, inviting family, finding an outfit, I couldn't wait for this day. But now, I wish it was any other day than today. I've got to stand in front of hundreds of people to accept my degree.

 I bow my head again, the bile rising but not actually coming up.

 “Cait?” Lottie whispers knocking on my stall door.

 “Yeah?”

 “Fiz is gone. You okay? I know you hate public things, and I know today's a challenge, but you can get through it. Just come out, hold my hand and you'll be fine.”

 I smile picking up my graduation hat and placing it back on my head before slowly sliding the lock on my door across. Although I'm 5 years older than Lottie, we're definitely close, not as close as my twin Louis and I. But out of all the girls, I'm closest with Lottie. She just gets me somehow.

 I close my eyes focussing on my breathing as she takes my hand in hers.

 “Okay?” She asks fixing my hair.

 "No, but I will be.” I swallow hard.

 She smiles. “We'll walk slowly, I don't think Lou is here yet.”

 My eyes widen. “What?!”

 I can't do this if he isn't here. I panic, my heart beat getting faster, my hands become clamy.

“He's..He's not here?” I stutter.

 Lottie's eyes widen realising she's triggered my panic. I rush back into the toilet and put my head back over the toilet seat, gripping the sides. My heart starts palpitating, my entire body sweating. I tried to get some tissue paper to wipe the sweat but my hands were trembling so much it was useless. I tried to loosen the collar on my gown as I started to feel the oh so familiar sensations of shortness of breath.

 “Cait?” Louis spoke. “My god.” He gasped rushing straight up to me.

 I thought I locked my stall door? I must have forgotten.

 “I'm here.” Louis soothed, wiping my forehead with tissue. “I'm here.”

 “You're in the girls toilets.” I breathed.

 “Your graduation is in 10 minutes, you're having a panic attack and that is what you focus on?” He laughs.

 I smile, feeling myself slowly relax. “I always focus on the wrong things I guess.” I shrug.

 “Come on,” He spoke taking my hand. “We need to go celebrate you being so clever!”

 “I don't know if I can stand in front of all those people.” I say squeezing his hand as he opens the toilets door. There were a few strange looks but Louis played it off and slowly led us to where my family were sat.