Book of Unwanted Feelings

Feeling #2

You keep repeating this. You let you anxiety takes over again. In your mind is a list of a thousand ways on how you could fail, not a possibility for your to succeed. All the future looks bleak, you just want to close your eyes and pray that everything cease to exist.

Breathe, I say.
Have a little faith in yourself.

But to be honest, you've lost the faith you used to have right? And you don't know who to blame about that, other than yourself. You wish to break away from it, from the loving hands that makes you paranoid. You let people put their fears on you under the name of love and protections. Their ghost become your ghost and they haunt you to sleep, disturbing your dreams. The words you speak comes from someone else's and it tastes so, so foreign in your mouth.

You don't know how to set boundaries. You don't know how to speak for yourself.

The love that nurtures, they said. The love that kills. I never knew love could be so demanding, never knew it could put me into clothes that fit too small, way too small.

Perhaps I'm the ungrateful one. It leaves me with clothes, after all.

(I have to learn how to be grateful)