Book of Unwanted Feelings

Feeling #37

I was really mean to myself.

There was a time when I didn't love myself enough, I keep giving and pouring in hope of finding any ounce of acceptance and belonging without realising that I was actually bleeding. What was first started as a genuine desire to give love has then started to turn into a never ending pursuit of approval, one I end up exhausting myself to death with. Things I should have tried finding inside of me first, I frantically tried to search outside. Because I never thought I was good enough, because I never find it in me to see my own worth. I put other people on a very high pedestal while letting myself lay flat on the ground, I would be thankful even for any slight of movements while still longing to be filled and blame myself for the hunger. I didn't want to admit that I do have needs. I didn't see that sometimes effort has nothing to do with results. And I didn't have enough respect for myself to know when to draw the line.

And that is exactly why it was never gonna work out.