Book of Unwanted Feelings

Feeling #15

I don't know why I stay late. I can't even concentrate. I stalled myself on purpose, knowing there's nothing I can't do. God, how much I hate typing that. In the back of my mind there's always, always something that I can do. And if I just stand here accepting things, it feels like I'm the one who is being lazy not doing anything. Enough is a metric I do not recognize, and I feel utterly guilty if I don't make any progress. I feel like I never make any progress. Nothing is ever an eligible progress in my mind.

I'm afraid of being stucked. I believe I'm not worthy if I'm not doing anything, if I purposely let myself fail. It got to the point where I read a sentence that says 'I love you with or without your success' and I went quiet because to be honest, I asked myself if the idea is even possible to be applied to someone like me. I feel like if I'm not doing anything, if I'm not making an effort, I do not deserve love. I do not deserve happiness. If I can never fill the bar, especially those simple bars, than what good do I stand?

"You keep running and running and running. But where? Why?"

Kadang, saya hanya ingin disambut pulang dengan segala lemah. Rumah tidak pernah menuntut, tapi penuh ekspektasi yang terpajang sendiri. Tidak tahu terambil dari mana, mungkin titipan luka mereka yang pernah lewat. Harapannya mencari tumpangan, lalu hinggap di dalam hati. Sayangnya tumbuh menjulang, mengakar kuat di halaman. Berbuah banyak dan menutupi langit, penuh sesak rasa bersalah.

Mungkin, nanti, suatu saat, tempat ini tidak akan asing lagi. Dan kita bisa bernapas tanpa takut menangis. Tanpa rasa sakit yang tidak tahu dari mana, yang kita pupuk sendiri. Mungkin, tidak akan sakit lagi jika tinggal kita saja.

Mungkin, akan cukup jika tinggal kita saja.

Kamu boleh merelakan apa - apa yang menyiksamu.