Book of Unwanted Feelings

Feeling #38

You have your heart broken and now you are scrolling your telephone, waiting or searching for anything you can find to grasp to your preferred reality.

Maybe it's a scavenger hunt of every signs of red flags possible, all the details you have missed. The mistakes you could have avoided. Or maybe you're waiting for some kind of explanation, an apology sliding into your inbox. You don't really know what you're looking for, what you're doing. Truth to be told it's a bit of a mess inside. Maybe you still care about them. Maybe you just missed them. Or maybe you don't want to get back together, but it does feel weird to not have their presence around. Maybe you just want to see them gravel their way back to you. Apologising, regretting of what has been done. But the truth is, it happened. And darling, what could you have done?

Remind yourself over and over why you left. Why it didn't worked out. What didn't worked out. What can and cannot be tolerated. Ask yourself what you went through, what happened, how you feel about it, what can you see and what can you learn from it. Whether you have ever felt fulfilled by it. What can you cherished but ultimately what brought you to pieces. Ask yourself what do you want. What you actually need. What supports should you get. Reach out to those who loved you, reach out to those who are already here. Look around and open your eyes, someone is already here and we just might not noticed it. The people who have never left all this time, who are wishing you good day in their own ways.

Put your chin up and hug yourself tight. Soothe yourself on the back. Some things are just not meant to be and it sucks. You can actually loved and it hurts. You thought it was your chance, you thought you were doing fine. You try to give it your all and learn what you can do better. You want to be better. You try to do better. But sometimes effort just does not count. You can give your all, fall deep into the ocean, jump off the cliff, or sell yourself without a price, but when it does not work out then it just won't.

Stop bending yourself over backwards because it was never needed. Maybe you ask too much, maybe you ask too little. No one knows the right measurement anyway, only an agreement. And giving should not be on compulsion, it should have been on willingness.

Understanding is necessary, but what can be done when the truth is both of you have not been reading from the same pages? The two of you like different books anyway, one might even prefer TV. And what can you do? It's just preference. Values. What we can give is not always what the other person is looking for, and vice versa.

Understand that some things are just not meant to be, that it sucks but you shouldn't blame yourself for it. You can learn, you can improve, but it does not mean you have to start questioning your self worth over and over again thinking it must be someone's fault and there's something you could have done to prevent it. To avoid the pitfalls and this uncomfortable feeling washing over you.

It happened.

Forgive yourself for not knowing, but held yourself accountable to grow from it. To become a better person and to know what is worth it. You have your world set ahead and your future straight in front of you. Let's try to work on yourself for that.

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Definitely one of my favourite writing this year