Book of Unwanted Feelings

Feeling #34

The thought of me not doing something to my fullest extense creeps me out. The thought that I am giving up on anyone or anything, that I am the one who decided to quit, drains me and showers me in guilt and blame. I have rarely been the one to surrender without trying all I could, though I do believe that one of the wisdom in life is knowing when and how to quit.

The problem is I don't know if I'm doing the right kind of quitting, if my departure is the best way it could have been done. Given the circumtances, I believe this is the best choice I could have make. Protecting someone I care about as the price of knowing the truth. Yet I still don't know if this is really the best option for me or not. I wonder if protecting others and taking it with me is worth it.

Should I keep quite and take the dramatic, demanding, irrational villain role graciously painted upon me? I understand where it hurts, I understand where does the pain come from and all the batshits words said. It's a void in which I am afraid I'm starting to blame myself for it, just like the way they see me. Just like the way they put in words which are flown in every directions close.

I am afraid I am starting to blame myself for the wounds the discomfortf other people felt by me healing the wounds they afflicted in me. I am afraid I am starting to blame myself for every inner pain everyone projects on me.

Dear God, I'm exhausted. I don't want to hold the weight of the responsibility that is not mine anymore