Book of Unwanted Feelings

Feeling #11

I've been feeling so hopeless lately. I know I should not, there are still a lot of things my logic told me I should be grateful for. And they do exist, and I want to be thankful. But sometimes, there are days when the pain exceeds my viewpoint. And when it happens, I can only concentrate on nothing but the pain.

It's hard, to keep remembering that the road is long and does not -will not end in vain. I want to believe that. But there are more moments than I want to admit that I let my hope slip from my hands and the weight of my own thought crushed me to the ground. I can't breathe, nor do I see. Everything seems bleak and the future is no longer for me to grasp. There was not even a future.

I know I have no one to blame but myself. I bring a lot of this on my own whether I intend them to be or not. Regardless, I let them translate to myself and carry them in manners in which people are not entirely fond of. And I can't blame others, really. They are only doing what normal people would do. Secretly, I still blame God. I'm sorry, I know I should not. Deep inside my heart I know He meant only well things for everyone, but it's easier to see the whole path I've been walking on as one big joke in which He likes to laugh at. God has a very interesting sense of humor, after all.

I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry.

Maybe this is no one's fault. Maybe this is just how life is, and it's an irony on it's own. We're all tired, after all. Maybe we should stop whining and take things as it is, standing strong and let life come knock us down so we could learn where we went wrong and rebuild again. Until the next harsh wind come and the process got repeated.

Maybe.

I wish I could stop saying maybe.

I'm sorry, I'm talking to myself. I'm sorry, I can't tell anyone. I'm sorry, for being like this. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

These are the days when my own advice become irelevant to practice, and I can't reach out to anyone. I just feel I can't. So I pour this out here, wanting to let out but not wanting to talk. Or maybe I want, I just don't know if I could.

I want to feel like I belong, but I keep alienating myself. I'm sorry.