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CHANGES —
tired groans, moving side to side, pulling away my blanket to get feel some cold breeze against my burning body, was how my night passed.
I woke up from, well it's not even called sleep, but after trying to rest for four hours, I decided to get up instead of lying in bed and going through hell.
I thought that leaving that shit hole I called part time work, would help me a lot. Make me feel better. Make me try to like the 'happy' reflection of myself. But nah.
Life had different thoughts. I ended up with the double amount of anxiety, with a regretful brain and with a aching body.
I lazily made my dead body work itself towards the kitchen. I couldn't even bother myself to make food. I opened the fridge for something to just eat and not fix.
But but, noticing how empty my fridge was, my mind fucked up even more since my wallet was getting empty too.
I left the shit work to get some time to love myself, to not feel like trash who deserves to be treated like nothing but air. But that was wrong, because even air was treated with more respect than I was.
Everyone feared the thought of being out of air, so they would never treat the air wrongly if it could feel.
I closed the fridge as I grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl on the kitchen table before I went out to the balcony.
The fresh air hit me harder than everything else as I closed my eyes, spread my arms out and held the banana tightly with my left hand.
I inhaled three times and before my third exhale, I felt some sudden pain in my heart.
It felt so indescribably painful, like something poisonous swimming in my blood and then reaching my heart, cutting of my heart from the rest of my body, making that part ache in a very very bad way.
The air locked itself inside of me, my lungs expanded even more and I gasped twice for it to become normal again. In panic, I took steps backwards, hitting the wall as the banana fell out of my hand and got squished under my foot, making me slip and fall down to the floor.
This all happened while my breathe was cut inside of me and while my heart was aching. My lips turned slowly blue as I looked at my shaky and pale fingers, not being able to think in the situation.
I felt like dying. I couldn't understand. What was happening?
And all of a sudden my thoughts started to roll in. The only thing that worked as usual. All the unwanted thoughts.
I started to regret some thoughts. Especially the one I felt like was coming true.
That I wanted to die. I didn't want to.
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sixteenth chapter. I honestly love Kim Namjoon so much. He definitely deserves more love. He is so careful, so thoughtful, so kind, so mannered, so Namjoon. Love him please. Appreciate him please.
