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SO FAR AWAY —
The me who bought the rope on a sunny day, with a smile on my face as an effect from all my effort to the day I looked so forward to, was now sitting on the hospital bed, clothed in that stupid and uncomfortable bed dress.
I had planned everything. How it was supposed to rain and that I would be home alone and that I would get just the right feeling right before disappearing.
But of course something had to happen and Hoseok ended up coming home earlier than usual. Waking up while being rushed inside of the ambulance, making eye contact with your roommate, your bestfriend's beautiful but very worried eyes that kept getting watery as he kept whispering 'it's gonna he okay's made you feel worse than you ever felt.
I was already really disappointed, understanding that I was once again saved and then the detail added that I broke my best-friend's fragile heart was what made so disgusted of myself.
I couldn't even disappear from this stupid world without failing. I was so stupid. So disgusting. So disappointing. Such a freak. Such a nasty person. So so ugly.
The way the tears rolled down his cheeks as he held my hand, making my almost dead heart beat race upwards as my cheeks turned red and I succeeded to get flustered. Even in that sick situation. I was so fucking disgusting.
My hands grasped the blanket on the bed as my cuffed wrists ached a little, tears rolling down my cheeks as I felt the worst. I had never been this down before. Never. Ever.
I heard Hoseok's voice not too far away from my room but I couldn't stop the tears so I pulled the blanket over myself as I closed my eyes, making my eyes overflow with tears, my cheeks getting wetter.
"He's asleep"
"Okay. Please let us know when he wakes up mr.Jung. We will be here to make a checkup and get to talk with him"
"I will make sure."
I heard Hoseok talk with such a weak and worried voice that it made my inners turn outwards out of guilt but I couldn't even apologise. That's how regretful I was. Not for making the suicide attempt, but for letting him see my do it for a second time.
I was such a nasty person. I loved him more than anyone, why did I hurt him more than anyone?
I heard footsteps fading as I heard some footsteps coming closer and someone taking a seat before it placed its hands on the side of my bed.
I heard small sobs, shaky breathing and I felt his hands caressing my back as I fought back against turning and just give him a kiss and hug him as tight as possible to get him to stop worry.
But I was ashamed. I was in pain, I was nasty. I couldn't touch him. He wasn't like me. He wasn't dirt. He was a happy man with a girlfriend and a life he always dreamt of.
Thinking of his girlfriend, why did he come home so soon.. on that day? Something must have happened.
"I am so-o sorry, hyung~"
He sobbed as he placed his head on the bed and continued to silently cry. I could feel his body moving in tact with his sobs and small sorry's leaving his tongue.
I gripped my dress tighter as the tears flew down non stop. Maybe I had to wait for the perfect day to die? Maybe it was far away? Well it was. If felt like it was so far away, because,
I couldn't die,
and I ended up hurting him again.
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thirteenth chapter! so honestly, sope is bae so why not? I feel really sorry for calling Yoongi these stuff but it's all fictional thank god.
