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RESPONSIBLE -
with a heavy heart, teary eyes and slow steps, I made my way down the empty street, the only thing around me was the cars sounds, emptiness and cold weather. Today was cloudy too. Which I hated.
I just didn't like feeling lonely, feeling empty, feeling sad, feeling like crying, feeling like dying and then have even the weather plain and dull.
I kinda looked up to the weather. Liked it when the sky was clear and blue. Because the sky was what reminded me of him. If it was a sunny day, I felt like he would be happy, trying to show me he was happy. If it was rainy, I felt like he would be sad and emotional, trying to show me he was feeling down. If it was a cloudy day, I felt like he would be sad and down, trying to show me how empty he felt and how lonely he was.
My heart clenched at the thought of him. My beautiful baby. It had been a while, I had to admit that even though I hate doing that. Today was exactly six years later. Thirteen years had already passed and I hadn't accomplished in recovering.
I guess it was because I felt responsible for the whole situation. If I hadn't taken his cap that day, made him angry, fought with him, running away whilst crying. He wouldn't end up feeling guilty, running after me, making me run into a dark alley and quickly shift away so he wouldn't find me, results being him throwing himself right into a jerk, his kidnapper.
Hearing cero from him in several days left me sad, the 10 year old me who really loved my best-friend, went nuts when I heard what had occurred. That he had been lost for two days before being found murdered a few houses away from that dark alley. The sad thing that made me feel most responsible, even today, was that my best-friend always told me he was scared from that alley. He told me his fear and I made him run right into it.
I reached the way too familiar cemetery as I opened the door and went inside, trying not to destroy the lavenders I was holding. Obviously I, Kim Namjoon, failed and I dropped three purple flowers and even succeeded in stepping over them, growing annoyed at myself before I reassured that I still had enough left and really didn't have to get all focused on that.
I took off my black slicked shoes and put on my grey slippers that were placed there whenever the ones working at the cemetery heard that I was passing by. My best friend had a rich father. But unfortunately his parents were divorced and he was under his mother's care-taking.
So he probably had enemies and people who were ready to go even as far as hurting him to gain money from his father's company. Another tear rolled down my cheek but I was quick to wipe it off.
I reached his glass box and felt all kinds of emotions, but the strongest ones was my love and longing for him. My tears considered to fall down without letting me choose whether I would cry or not. I saw the pictures of my annoying but favorite person, the only one to fill up this hole in my heart.
I looked at the bold letters and let out a sob and shut myself with a whimper.
REST IN PEACE OUR BELOVED KIM SEOKJIN.
1992-12-04 2005-09-21
I closed my eyes as I let out a small whine before I opened my eyes, unlocked the box and put in the lavenders inside of the small vase and lit up the candle besides it, and I closed my eyes again. The tears started to flow down my already wet cheeks as I bit my under lip to stop it from shivering.
I missed him so much. I had to so much to tell him. So much to share with him. So much to do with him. So much to experience.
I kept thinking this every day, every week, month and year, but time just went by and so did life. That's why I stood here, still in a state of mind where nothing seemed to work out, where the only solution left was me killing myself, me running away from myself, me despising my reflection and regretting my actions.
I was my own issue. I was the reason to why my best friend whom I love as a lover, died. Painfully. I was the reason to why he never got to live. That's why I was so confused about why I was so happy to be alive.
But I guess I'm too selfish to die. What if I didn't find him? Because that was my solemn reason to why I wanted to die. But would dying hurt more than living?
That's the question I had been grumbling over since my twelve year period. While thinking hard, I had proceeded to close the box and lock it before tracing my hands against the newly cleaned window of the glass-box, my eyes focused on the picture of my best friend. His plump lips were pulled into a smile and his eyes looked pointy as he genuinely smiled towards the picture with his arm wrapped around my shoulder.
That's, when I lost it again. Lost the strength to stand there, to be there for the sixth year. I kept taking shots, but I still had the guilt inside. I was sorry. So sorry. I just kept asking for forgiveness, hoping that he could hear me. But I got no excuses. For all the goodbyes I pulled. For all the times I begged for death. For the time why I suddenly wanted to live. Even though the loneliness killed me, being alive ate me up, feelings of loving a dead person and guilt over his death that wrecked me and I still wanted to live. I fell down on my knees as I let out a whisper yell before shakily curling into a sitting ball.
I kept falling apart.
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thirtieth chapter. so kim namjoon was seokjins bestfriend. damn. dklakdkdmfk-
