I remembered when I was in high school, I would always audition for the plays and musicals but I never got a part. I always knew it wasn't my singing, so I assumed it was a lack of acting ability. Then, my senior year, I became an understudy to a very good friend of mine. She got sick so I got to fill in. After a week's time, the lead actress came up to me and said, "Why are you the understudy? You should have that part!" It made me feel good and bad. Good, because it was such a nice compliment, but bad because I wondered why I was overlooked. Then, I went to college and took an acting class. My teacher was very impressed with me. I started auditioning for plays. Never got a lead but got speaking parts. I tried out for the community musical theater which was held at my school. My choir director and voice teacher were the music directors for the show, "Mame". I loved that show and was excited to be a part of it. The first day of rehearsing, the director was doing the blocking for the first big scene. People were whispering behind my back "What is she doing here? She doesn't belong here. How did she get into the show?" Then, I was told by the lead that I wasn't allowed to use my power wheelchair on stage because it didn't fit in with the 1940's era. So they found an old- fashioned manual wheelchair and insisted I use it. I refused because it had no brakes and it rolled without warning. It was a safety issue. I could see myself rolling off the stage headfirst into the orchestra pit! Nope. Wasn't gonna do it. After that, they didn't help me with anything. No costumes, no hair, no makeup. My friend Craig hooked me up. No help from the snobs who thought they were better than me. I stuck it out to the end. I even auditioned for the next show but didn't make it. Oh, What a Surprise! When it came to singing alone or in a group, I always shined. But that's the only place, I shined. I didn't have a lot of friends. I tried to be everybody's friend so I got stepped on a lot. In college, I used to look at the Granvillites of Granville Dorm and wished I was like them. They didn't seem to have a care in the world. They were intelligent and very philosophical. They seemed to know exactly what they wanted out of life. They also smoked pot. So, I began doing it too. I got high whenever I could. Three or four times a week I got high. Sometimes more. I went to acting class high. I thought I would just be observing that day so I didn't think it mattered. Well, I got asked to do a scene because one of the actors didn't show up. I was told it was the best scene I'd ever done! Just the encouragement I didn't need to keep smoking! Eventually, it began affecting my voice. I could barely hit a note. I quit a little too late and couldn't complete my Senior Recital. I had a lot of friends when I was partying, but when the goods were gone, well you know how that goes. I was surrounded by people, yet still completely alone. Like I was looking through a window watching everyone else's life go by. I still feel it quite often. I can't seem to get ahead. Something good happens and then life goes haywire. Things are out of control and I can't seem to do anything about it. There are very few things that bring me joy. The love of a child, Majestic mountains, Watching the ocean, A hug from a friend. I love that most of all. I love physical contact. A lot of people are afraid to touch me for fear that they will hurt me. Or they give me those whimpy patty-pat hugs that feel so empty and heartless. When the only physical contact I get is personal care from my aides who are here to do a job, it leaves you feeling completely isolated. A hug provides a connection to another person. Even babies who have been neglected do not develop properly without physical human contact. It's called"Failure to Thrive". Sometimes that's how I feel. Like a plant that you forget to water regularly. It doesn't die, but it doesn't grow either.
