You Are Still Here

Chapter 33

The warmth from the heated shower steamed up the bathroom mirror. Yun Jin swiped her hand slowly across, unveiling her reflection as many tiny droplets formed in its wake. She hadn't seen herself completely naked in a long time. This girl before her grew up to be so weak. Her hands followed the contours of her neck and continued downwards till it stopped at her flat abdomen.

She was aware of the look that Lu Lu gave her as she was alighting. She wasn't in the least bit surprised that Lu Lu, who was such a romantic, was disappointed in her. In fact, her old friend Mo Yu Hua also strongly disapproved of her clandestine relationship. The Su Yun Jin who was prideful, who saw dignity as the most important thing in life, grew up to become a third party in someone's marriage. There was nothing more ironic than this.

But if actions were reversible, would she have made the same choices? Maybe she would still have.

In the initial period post break-up with Cheng Zheng, she had clutched her phone in her palm all day. She fervently believed that no matter how terrible both of them felt, he would come looking for her eventually just as he always did after every quarrel. And when he did, she would personally tell him the words she had not had the chance to say.

But he never did come for her.

The moment the phone he had given her sank into the murky depths of the Zhu Jiang river, she finally accepted reality and its cruel twists – she and Cheng Zheng had separated for real and he no longer loved her or wanted anything to do with her. She had previously guessed that two people living together might feel suffocated eventually but when he did let go, she felt as though her soul had left her body as she walked around an empty shell.

He accused her of not loving him. How dare he accuse her of not loving him!

The subsequent days were a neverending cycle of nightmares. She had lain hopelessly on the hospital bed and the thought of committing suicide even crossed her mind. There was one night when her throat was unbearably parched. She buzzed for the late shift staff nurse to no avail. Unfortunately for her, said nurse was off on an errand so she struggled to reach the jug of water at her bedside.

Her first attempt was unfruitful. On her second try, she gritted her teeth and reached out even further. On the third try, she felt the wound splitting. She poured out a generous amount of water and downed it rapidly. She was so focused on her goal that she did not feel the pain temporarily.

In that trying time, Yu Hua was in Shanghai doing the stupidest thing of her life while Ju An had accompanied Zhang Yue to France. She never dreamed that the complications would be this severe so initially, she didn't even inform her mom. As she laid in the hospital, her colleagues brought news of a major departmental shuffle. She sensed the news was an ominous foretelling but since it was out of her control, she was adamant not to agonize over it especially given the terrible state she was already in. After all, it wasn't like she had never lost precious things before.

Unexpectedly, Director Xu came to see her. She felt more shocked than privileged at his visitation. He was the one who had scouted her during the company interview. She had never imagined in her wildest dreams that such a high-ranking staff would personally stop by to see the small-time employee that she was. He even helped see to her hospitalisation paperwork. More importantly, he safeguarded her position during the company's vast retrenchment exercise.

Yun Jin was no fool. She could tell how he felt about her from his eyes. For a period thereafter, she was exceptionally quiet.

Eventually her mother found out about her hospitalisation and had raced across the country to get to her side. When she saw Xu Zhi Heng keeping her company instead of Cheng Zheng, she was very surprised though she held her tongue. Of course, Yun Jin didn't tell her the truth – that Xu Zhi Heng had married in Taiwan before being transferred to China for work. As his wife was unwilling to leave the life she knew, the two of them grew distant both physically and emotionally.