You Are Still Here

Chapter 38

"... I will no longer be able to bear children."

It was complete silence behind her.

Why did she say it? She was already prepared to carry this secret to her grave. He didn't have to know about its existence or the fact that she had struggled through the terrible experience alone ... it felt like falling into a deep abyss where the light became further and further out of reach until it was no more.

Her child, no, their child. It had survived inside her for a few days only. Even though it had wrongly sited itself, causing her to bleed massively, it was still their flesh and blood. An undeniably product of their love. Thus, it was fitting that it followed the fate of its parents' romance – it existed but eventually died because it was a mistake.

But now, she blurted it unexpectedly. She was still that same old girl who tried hard to plaster on a brave façade although her anger was still easily piqued by Cheng Zheng. He had accused her of not loving him. So many years had passed but she still couldn't break free of the emotional chains the words had placed on her.

Yun Jin didn't know what Cheng Zheng's exact reaction would be although she did know that it would definitely hurt him to his core. This was the lethal poison she carried around in her heart.

Lu Lu was absolutely right; burying a secret within was truly unbearable. Now, she finally had no more secrets but ironically, the gaping hole in her heart had widened despite the great reveal.

Cheng Zheng still hadn't responded. Much time passed before Yun Jin heard a sound likened to sobbing. She looked back and saw Cheng Zheng crouching on the floor with his face buried between his knees. He seemed so vulnerable, like a little child crying.

He had never once cried before her. When they were together, there was once he injured his calf while playing soccer. His tibia had fractured and it looked sickeningly painful. When Yun Jin woke up in the middle of the night to check on him, she saw that his face was contorted in pain and his body was drenched in cold sweat. She had told him "Cheng Zheng, if it's so painful, you should let it out. Crying might make you feel better." He retorted haughtily "I'm not a woman. Crying would be a disgrace to my manhood."

So, even when he suggested they break up and he saw her leave, he never once shed a tear.

Cheng Zheng didn't like children. Most of the time, he seemed an oversized kid himself. At his age, he had yet to fully appreciate his own father's love for him and he never envisioned himself as a father. But when Yun Jin uttered those words, the tears that fell came from within. Nothing could stop the tears from bursting its banks. If their break-up and the resultant four year wait was despair, then his emotion right now was that of heartwrenching grief.

Yun Jin took two steps towards him before stopping. She lowered her gaze. From this angle, she saw a vulnerable Cheng Zheng for the first time. Conversely, she didn't feel like crying. It was actually quite ironic. When she saw him in pain, her hurt lessened. Apparently, it wasn't only happiness that should be shared, pain had to as well. In fact, her pain could only be shared with him because half of it was rightly his in the first place.

When their paths had crossed once again, she knew the true reason why he constantly shadowed her. He could act distant all he wanted, or say as many hurtful things as he wished but she knew he still loved her. Cheng Zheng would always be transparent to her. She could see right through him – his every joy and sorrow. The only reason why she chose to keep back was because in the four years, she slowly came to realise that while Cheng Zheng was immature, her low self-esteem and cowardice played a significant role in the fracture of their relationship as well. Wasn't bottling her emotions the main reason for their break up?