Until We Meet Again (Sirius x OFC)

Part 1 - Chapter 16: Reasons

"Now let me tell you something," continued Sirius. "This whole thing was planned by Peter and his oh so great master. We all trusted him, he had an easy job of it."

I nodded and sank back against Sirius' chest, breathing slowly and steadily to calm my emotions.

"Peter had held a grudge against me for some time, now that I think of it..." explained Sirius. "And I thought about that a lot. The truth is that he was weak, and he wanted to overcome his weakness by clinging to people who were stronger than him. Voldemort was the perfect candidate to make him feel important, I guess. And I was the perfect scapegoat."

"Why did he hold a grudge against you? I never noticed..."

"No, neither did I – only after... he told me he liked you when I confronted him. Well, actually his words were that I didn't deserve you and that I should be ashamed to betray my friends." Sirius took a deep breath. "I think he was jealous in some way. He doesn't know what love is, but in hindsight, I did often think he was looking at you in that way..."

"That doesn't sound very believable to me..." I said.

He snorted. "You didn't even notice that I had a crush on you and I tried to flirt with you non-stop. You're a beautiful and intelligent woman, one that he surely must have admired... And we had a thing he could only be jealous of – real and unconditional love. Perhaps he was envying James and Lily as well."

I furrowed my brow. "Okay, Peter has always been very nice to me... but not in that way..." I thought about it a while longer. "Or maybe he was. He often complimented me but only if you weren't around. He was just so awkward that I didn't know what to make of it. But that he'd do that you... to us..."

Sirius raised a brow. "I don't doubt that anymore, he turned out to be worse than imagined... It might not have been the reason for his behavior but at least one factor. Too bad he had to pretend he was dead and couldn't console you..."

"Let's drop the subject, okay?" I said, his jealousy was pointless anyway. "It won't help us to speculate... and Peter will get what he deserves sooner or later."

Nodding, Sirius wrapped his arms around me again and despite all efforts, we fell asleep shortly after.

* * *

He didn't get a trial.

Crouch Sr. had sent him straight to Azkaban without a fair chance to say what really happened. Apparently, they didn't want to hear it, nor did they want to hear me claiming he was innocent. I was mad, I was trying to reach anyone in the ministry but that was hard nowadays. So, I went there and tried to find someone to talk to, but I only ended up having another break-down when they wanted to get rid of me. I screamed at them, cried and eventually fainted. They sent me to St. Mungo's Hospital where I stayed the night and the next day.

Remus picked me up, he had heard of the incident.

I couldn't talk. My mind was blank, it was as if it was dead, but my body was still alive somehow. Remus brought me home but at the sight, I broke down again. I don't know how he found the strength to take care of me. Maybe he was glad to focus on something else than his grief.

It took me over a week to be well enough to function at least moderately. Remus stayed at our place, he was just as miserable as me. We slept most of the time, our minds were exhausted and our bodies too from the lack of proper food and rest. We were a pile of garbage.

Voldemort was gone now, everything was ending. The War. The Fight. But what good did it do me if I had lost everything that mattered to me?

They tried to find out if I was involved with the Death Eaters, being Sirius' fiancée. There was no proof, of course, and I knew nothing. They could try and use Veritas Serum as much as they wanted, but nothing would ever leave my tongue. There was a vast emptiness inside my head.

By now I had realized that I wouldn't wake up. This was all real.

I wanted to die. Or at least stop feeling this immense pain.

My life was a mess. There was nothing in it that I loved anymore. Except for Remus. But he too had been betrayed and we were both only a shell of our old selves. What sense did I have to go on living?

Sirius. I remembered. He might need my help one day, there might be a chance as long as he was still alive. I couldn't give up - it would mean betraying everything he and I stood for.

As much as I wanted, though, I didn't have the power for anything else than to drag me from day to day. So that's what I did – for years.

* * *

The next morning, Rowan brought us a tray with breakfast that Sirius, who was awake way before me, gladly took. He woke me with a content smile, wrapped in the dressing gown I had brought him. It was most wonderful to wake up with him, deepest bliss filled me from head to toe.

We ate breakfast in silence, it was as if we pretended everything was normal and for the moment, it sure felt like it was. I forced Sirius to eat as much as I considered healthy for him and despite Rowan's blindness, he was an amazing cook, so we were contented. I didn't like that Sirius looked like a ghost and food seemed to be my only option to change that at the moment.

Then I decided to drop the question that was burning on my tongue. "When will you leave?"

Sirius stopped in the middle of chewing to ponder my words. "I think tomorrow. It's safe enough to stay another day. I can't leave you yet."

I nodded. "Okay. Tomorrow then."

There were some unspoken words between us. Until now, we hadn't talked about leaving. I knew what we had here was only a temporary happiness. We couldn't stay here forever.

"I'll come with you," I suddenly exclaimed, without even knowing where it came from.

Sirius gave me a pained smile. "Love, that won't work."

"I don't care," I said spitefully, almost like the girl I once was. "What do I go back to? Nothing."

"Your job," he replied. "Harry. Remus. You can help me more if you observe what's going on there. Tell me when something happens. And I'm sure it will with Voldemort on the rise."

I felt like I'd start crying again. Sirius was the reasonable one of us now, which was a premiere. He came over to my side of the table and knelt down in front of me, taking my hands in his. "Ally, believe me, I would love to have you with me, but it is too dangerous. You know I love reckless ideas, but not when it's about your safety, about your life even. Everyone would know you're with me, they would be after you as well and who would look after Harry?"

"I haven't even looked after him that well," I replied. "Look what happened."

He shook his head. "Nonsense. You have to stop blaming yourself for things you couldn't have prevented. Harry has a godmother and a godfather now, who stand with him as his family, and even if they find me, he will at least have you."

I didn't like where he was going with this at all. "When you went to Azkaban, I was such a mess. I couldn't take care of him. Dumbledore sent him to Lily's sister. And when I finally felt better, he said it was too dangerous and that Harry was safe with the muggles."

"Dumbledore knows what he's doing, Ally," Sirius said. "Now you're not alone anymore, okay? We will find a way to make this work. But you need to make sure Harry's alright until we do."

"I know, I know." I sighed and gripped his hands a little tighter. "It's just... Leaving you now seems so wrong when I have no idea when we'll meet again."

He nodded. "I know. I don't think it would be wise to meet again when you're back at Hogwarts, but I'll write you letters to let you know I'm okay."

"You better," I grumbled.

Sirius chuckled and gave me a kiss, then went back to breakfast. I wasn't convinced, but I knew I couldn't be selfish now, as much as I felt like we deserved to be happy. That time wasn't here yet, there would be a lot more suffering until we could live together in peace and we had to push through as best as we could.