Between the multiple shoots I had all week and the stress of setting up for Anna's birthday party next week, I barely had time to have anytime for myself. Deep down I knew that even if I was alone, I wouldn't be relaxed and calm, I would still have things running through my mind. That's just how I am. I don't stop until it's finished and I was determined to make Anna's party the best it could be, the reason being it was her 20th birthday. Everyone kind of laughed at how Anna was so insane and wanted everything on her birthday to go wrong. I obviously wasn't going to let that happen.
Anna and I had been in the studio almost all week. Anna making plenty of girls look their best and me modeling for almost 30 cameras. My lack of food had slowed me down quite a bit, but I adjusted to the change pretty quickly. I had so much to get done including the photoshoots, Anna's party, getting Anna a present, and helping Brian move in with Nate, which I though was pretty quick, but Super precious. On top of all that, I was still worried that Michael would think of me differently after he saw me bawling my eyes out half naked on a scale.
I know that Michael would never tell anyone for the solid reason that he's most definitely not like that. I could tell he was worried about me, because he was texting me more often and contantly asking if I was doing okay. My weight loss was becoming more noticeable and I could faintly see a gap between my thighs if I stood a certain way. My stomach was becoming flatter and my arms much less jigglier. Although I was excited to become my definition of skinny, I was worried about what my friends would do. Would they think I'm a freak because I can't keep my food down? They all eat so much, but still fail to gain weight. Would they pity me? My friends are pretty loyal and I don't really think that they would do anything but encourage me to get better, though there is a slight chance that they end up hating me.
Since Michael had been talking to me a lot since what happened, I ended up asking him if he wanted to hang out. I figured we could talk about what he saw, although I was nervous as hell. I got dressed in a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and threw on the first tee shirt I saw, which ended up being my Iron Maiden one. Quickly slipping on my converse and grabbing a black and white flannel I skipped out the door as Michael was stepping out of the elevator.
"Hey Ella, I like your shirt." Michael laughed glancing at my shirt and then to his. He was also wearing a Iron Maiden shirt.
"I like yours too." I laughed. I was shaking with nerves, but I tried my best to hide the fact that I was so nervous that I could puke, and not on purpose.
Michael and I stepped onto the elevator and silently waited to reach the lobby. Michael and I stepped out of my apartment building and made our way down the small diner at the end of the street, we made small talk here and there about the weather, but that was just about it. How awkward.
As we stepped into the diner, that damn cliche bell dings like it always does. We find our way to a booth and sit down.
"So..." Michael says awkardly trying to start conversation. "Do you want anything to eat or drink? I'll pay."
"Hm? No." I stutter quickly. Michael gives me a look and I quickly change my mind. "Okay, yeah. A coffee please."
He still looks unimpressed but I ignore the guilty feeling and look away from his pleading eyes. He whispers an "okay" and walks off to order. I distract myself while I'm waiting for him to come back by planning exactly what I was going to say once the question popped up, but once he came back with two coffees and French fries, my mind went blank again.
"You're going to eat some fries, right?" Michael asked hopefully. I nodded slowly and picked up a French fry quickly and put it in my mouth so he couldn't see my shaking hands. After that, I drank my coffee and he told me about how the bands album is coming along and how they're super excited to release it, I'm assuming it's pretty good because they all seem really excited about it. He asked me how my job was going and I replied with the same old "It's really busy, but I'm enjoying it. It's great." that I say to everyone.
We even brought up some old memories from when we were younger, calming me down. It made me remember exactly why I continued hanging out with Michael, and why I fall harder for him everyday. The way he listens so intently and proves that he's listening to your every word by nodding and making small comments, yet he never interups. The way his face scrunches up whenever he hears or sees sething he doesn't like, to the way he chews. Butterflies erupt in my stomache at the very though of him, and that's how I know I'm in deep. There's a small piece of me that thinks he might feel the same way about me as I do him, but then I remeber what I'm like and change my mind.
The all too dreaded question popped up sooner than I had hoped it would, though.
"So, Ella." Michael coughed awkwardly. "Last weekend. What was that?"
I looked down for a minute and decided to play dumb.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I shrugged.
"Don't even start with that." Michael snapped. "I know something's up with you, Ella, and I'm really worried."
"Look, it's nothing really serious okay?" I was hoping he would back off and forget about it, but it was nice that he really cared.
"You were standing on a scale sobbing, Ella. If you haven't noticed, you've lost a lot of weight. All of the other boys have noticed, and the girls are worried too. What I saw, it's never leaving my head.And those scars on your hips? Those were nothing?" Michael ranted.
He had a point though, and I was seriously considering telling him everything.
I looked away and wiped a few tears that had fallen.
"No they weren't nothing, Michael. They're cuts. Obviously." Sassy was one way to put how that came out, though it wasn't really intended.
"Why would you do that to yourself?" He was trying not to cry, I could tell.
"I am a very unhappy person, Michael." I grabbed my bag and was about to leave, but michael grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"We're not done talking."
"Well, this talk is going to get pretty depressing and I don't want to cry in public." I definetly wasn't going to tell him everything, even when we weren't in public.
Once we returned back to my apartment, after incredibly awkward silence and tension that you could slice with a fingernail, the conversation licked up again.
"Okay. Yes, I've been cutting myself. It's a good stress reliver." That wasn't entirely true, but I was close enough. It was a good stress reliever.
The look on his face when he herd that made me want to fall in a ball and sob on the floor, but I continued my story.
"And the weight loss is because I've been doing lots of exercising programs and eating healthy." That wasn't entirely a lie either, I was doing lots of different work
out programs at the gym on my free time.
"As for the crying, I've just had low confidence lately, it's okay."
Everything came out so smoothly and he couldn't even tell I was were lying.
"You don't need to do that, your perfect the way you are."
woah procrastination can be my middle name 😅 I tried to make this rly long but that failed miserably. SORRY FOR SPELLING ERRORS ITS HARD WRITING ON A IPHONE OKAY AND ALSO IM GOING ON VACATION FOR A FEW DAYS SO BEWARE THANKS ILY
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strike a pose ||| michael clifford
Fanfiction"behind every pose was a insecurity and behind every photoshoot was more hatred she had for herself"
