strike a pose ||| michael clifford

chapter 18

I woke up the next morning to rain hitting the window and feeling completely helpless. The night before I had thought so much I had a migrane from working my brain and now I'm just tired, even after sleeping. My body hurt and I was mad at myself beyond words. Punishing myself for looking the way I did was not something that seems like a good idea to me now. After getting out of bed to immediately fall onto my couch was when I finally decided that what Michael has been hinting at wasn't so bad, maybe talking about my problems and possibly getting some help wasn't so bad, maybe this eating disorder was only ment to last this long, and maybe it was a lesson to me. I didn't really want to know, to be honest, and I didn't know quite sure if I wanted everyone to know about my secret. Would they all look at me differently?

I called Brian up while shrugging off the large tee shirt that I had slept in, I needed to see if that meeting was still on, though I doubt he would cancel. Brian seemed pretty serious about this. My body was clearly a lot smaller than it was before, and that was somewhat of a bonus for me. As sick as it sounds to say this, I felt proud of myself for finally looking thin. All the times kids picked on my because my thighs jiggled when we were running in PE, and the times in high school when other girls would call me derogatory names in locker room and hallways, no longer applied to me. My thighs no longer jiggled if I ran and a muffin top didn't appear when I put on jeans, and that made me proud despite the reason for it.

After waiting a few rings, Brian finally picked up the phone and chirped a happy "hello."

"Hi Brian, is that meeting still on? What time should I be at the studio?" I asked, picking out an outfit.

"Around noon, it that's okay? Since you had a shit ton on shoots over the last few months you're being given a break, so no need to come dolled up. See you then?" Brian spoke fast, clearly trying to get ready as it was already 10:30.

I told him I'll be there and muttered a polite goodbye before setting my phone down and stepping into the jeans I found before. Theyre the only ones I fit into now and they're much too short for me, but they'll work. I got out a plain black tee shirt and my favorite flannel, which both hung off of my shoulders like they were made for someone twice my size. Before I started loosing weight I liked to buy my clothes a size bigger so I looked smaller than I was, but this is a new level of baggy.

Not bothering to do anything special, I put my hair into a ponytail and applied a light coat of mascara. As I was heading out the door I put on my doc martens to hide the fact that my pants were too short on me and began the drive to the studio. I left early because I knew there'd be traffic, and Brian hates when people are late to "Inportant meetings."

The Pink Floyd album I bought yesterday was blasting from my speakers as I sang along quietly. I was curious as to why Brian sounded so urgent about this meeting and I was afraid I was going to loose my job or something bad would come up. I knew I probably had nothing to worry about, but that didn't stop the small voice in my head telling me otherwise.

When I pulled up to the studio I was 10 minutes early, the drive from my house taking 2 times longer than usual due to traffic. Before I left I had a few bites of a yogurt I found in my fridge, and for some reason I felt icky. The rain had died down a little bit, but it was still hitting my windshield loudly. A few minutes before noon I walked into the studio quickly, trying to get too wet before the meeting. I knew that Brian was probably already here as he only lived down the road. Once I entered the building I was hit with the warm air and friendly arms of Brian hugging me.

"Hi there, miss me?" I laughed, joking around with him.

"Of course lovely! Now come on, to my office." Brian laughed back, grabbing my hand and pulling me to his office. I say down in the fluffy chair opposite to the chair behind the desk that Brian sat in.

Still confused as to why I was here, I spoke up first. "So, why did you need to meet up with me? We could've gone to coffee or something?" I asked. Normally when we meet up we would go to the small diner a few blocks away, but today I was needed in the meeting room in the studio.

Brian looked uncomfortable for a moment before speaking. "Well today out meeting is professional, had to do with your career, and, uh, other things."

If I wasn't nervous before, I was definitely nervous now. What other things? What about my career? I nodded my head, motioning for him to continue speaking. "Go on."

"Well, your pictures from February are skyrocketing. Several magazines have asked to use them." The pictures from Febuary were the ones for Teen Vouge, the ones from the beginning of my problem. It was now, October and since the end of May I've only done 1 photoshoot, Brian claims that I don't need to but I feel like he's purposely holding them off. Since then I've literally done nothing. The "date" I had with Michael seemed like days ago, but in reality it was 9 months ago.

"That's great!" I smiled, but he just looked down in his lap, confusing me further. "...right?"

"Look, Ella. It is great that people want those pictures for different plus size magazines and other fashion magazines and stuff, but when they see pictures of you out and about they, well, don't want them anymore. They see the change in you, and you may not know it but I realised it too. Ella, this isn't just "I've been working out" weight loss. I've talked to that boy...Michael? Yeah, Michael. We had a dictation about this and I want to know what this is dear. What's going on? You look sick." Brain looked genuinely worried, but I was genuinely scared if telling him.

Brian must have noticed the fear plastered ontoy face and muttered a quiet "These meeting are confidential, you know."

"But if I tell you, you'd make me get help and then people would know what this meeting was about." I sighed, slouching in my chair. I knew that he'd realise what I said, and that he'd know what's going on, but for some reason I was giving up keeping it from people.

"The only person to make you get help is yourself Hun, we can only encourage you." Brian smiled sadly, reaching over the table to grab my hand. "Michael, he's worried about you. I know you like him, don't deny it. Your other friends are worried too, Anna even talked to me about it. Please Ella?"

"I can't just, I don't know." I sighed.

"Can you eat?" He asked bluntly.

"Um, sometimes." I replied after thinking about my answer. Of course I can eat, I just prefer not to.

"Can you keep your food down when you do?" He asked bluntly again.

"Most of the time?" I replied again. "Look, can we just get to the point of the meeting." I snapped.

"If you don't get help, Ella, you're going to loose your job. You're still getting paid even though you haven't done a shoot in a while because people are using your pictures still. You got a job here to be a plus size model, and you clearly are no longer that. This, this isn't who you are. If you keep this up you can die. You're not ment to be tiny okay?" Brian pleaded.

I was done hearing this, I had it all under control, I knew what I was doing. But I didn't want this anymore and that's what scared me. I stood up, "Brian, I need to think. I'm gonna go." I said before leaving the room, him not bothering to follow me.

I got into my car and drive if with tears blurring my vision as fast as I could, completely ignoring the speed limit. I parked in the parking lot to my apartment building and dialled Michaels phone number. I was emotional and confused, didn't really know what I was doing at the time. Once he picked up he heard my loud sobs and heavy breathing. "Ella are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Michael. I think I might need some help."

WOW OK.