Reaching Out | The 100

Chapter Fifteen : Never Gone

Octavia's POV

I walk away from the table, smiling because my friends are back, well some of them anyway. I am so glad to finally see them again, but at the same time i am weary of what they will think about how I've ran things in their absence.

I never thought i could be a leader, in fact i had no earthly idea (see what i did there? ;) ) how to lead, and when Bellamy had called to tell me that it was my responsibility to lead the last survivors of the human race, without him, well, I panicked.

If not for Niylah I don't know how i would have made it through. Losing Lincoln and suddenly being thrust into a leader of more than 1,000 people, well it was overwhelming and scary. But Lincoln wanted to make a better tomorrow, and i did too, and that gave me the motivation to try.

Unfortunately, there are things we have done to survive that haunt me everyday. I sometimes feel like I failed him. I sometimes feel like we don't deserve to survive.

I duck into my bedroom to grab a moment of quiet and when i walk in, i see someone standing in the corner with their back to me. Startled and curious at who this stranger standing in my bedroom is, i walk up to them, and they turn around when the sound of my echoing footsteps reaches their ears.

"Oh my god," i mutter, when i see his face. Lincoln's face. "How... what... this isn't possible!" I stumble to find the right words.

He smiles at me, a smile that used to make my knees go weak, and butterflies fly around in my stomach. Now it just reminds me of the pain of losing him. The days following his death, i withdrew from the world. The only thing that made it bearable was reliving all the memories i had of us. I would go to bed at night, imagine walking down the aisle at our wedding, imaging building our own house, imagine the joy on his face when our first child was born. I imagined everything that the world had robbed me of.

Now here he was, standing in front of me. I knew it wasn't real, that it had to be a hallucination, but i didn't care. I run into his arms, tears splattering on the dark green sleeve of his t-shirt.

"Lincoln," his name is all i can say over and over. He squeezes me tight, and all the tension leaves my body. The hurt and pain and guilt and sadness that has covered me for so long peels away from me. Leaving the old Octavia in it's place.

I pull back and he cups his hand under my chin, tilting it up to look him in the eyes, "I love you Octavia, always remember that." I kiss him slowly, hungrily and he kisses me back. Then he breaks away, "We don't have much time." He tells me urgently.

I look up at him, "You can't be here, this is impossible." I say softly. He pulls me to his chest again. "I'm always with you." He murmurs into my hair. My face is soaked in tears. "Please don't leave me." I plead desperately. He looks into my eyes, and, it seems, into my soul. "I will never leave you, i will always be with you." He promises, then kisses my forehead and slowly starts to fade away.

"No!" I yell, "No come back Lincoln, please come back! I need you!" I grab for him but my arms swing through the air, i take a picture of us and glance at it before throwing it on the floor and watching it shatter. I fall to my knees, sobbing. In that second i feel someone's arms wrap around me. I wipe the tears from my eyes and turn around, Niylah pulls me against her and strokes my hair while i cry.

"He's here, Octavia, even if you can't see him. Just breathe, your okay." she reassures me, and i relax into her arms. "Thank you Niylah," i say and lay my head on her shoulder. She tilts her head against mine and responds "Always."

Bellamy's POV

"Mom?" I say in disbelief, stumbling backwards. "How is this possible?" I ask in wonder.

She steps forward and reaches out to me, but i take a step back away from her. "This isn't real, you're dead." I say. She brushes a strand of hair out of my face, this time i let her and the tears I didn't even know i was crying drip off my face onto the cold stone floor. "I'm so proud of you Bellamy."

All i can do is stare at her, "You left me, you made Octavia my responsibility when i was only five! What mother does that to their kid? My whole life revolved around her and you made her my responsibility!" I say, the anger that has been simmering for years deep inside rising from within me. I never got to be angry with my mother because she was dead, so i had only been allowed to be sad. But now? There was no stopping my anger. There was no way to stop it from exploding.

"I'm so sorry Bellamy, but it was the only way Octavia could survive. I knew you were strong enough to take care of her." She says apologetically, and i see the fierceness in her eyes, she would still do anything to protect Octavia. Same as me.

I sigh and suddenly the anger drains out of me and in turn i throw my arms around her. "I know Mom, it was just so much responsibility for a five year old."

She smiles sadly and kisses my forehead, "I know Bellamy, i know. But it was the only way for Octavia to live." She looks me in the eyes, and then hugs me again.

I sigh, she's right, this was the only way for Octavia to survive. When we still lived on the ark every couple was only allowed one kid, and any others would be floated. I kept Octavia quiet, and i hid her under the floor. My mom, however unpleasant, had found ways of knowing when 'surprise' inspections were going to happen before they did. And after they discovered Octavia, they killed my mom and took Octavia to lock up. Until one day when a former friend of mine from the guard found out that they were sending 100 kids from lockup to see if the ground was survivable, one of them being my sister. I knew i had to get on that dropship, Octavia is and will always be my responsibility. There was a very small chance that any of us would survive, but i knew I couldn't let her go alone. So i shot the chancellor and stowed away on the dropship. And well, you guys know the rest, it's all history now.

My thoughts turn back to my mother, my dead mother who is somehow standing right in front of me. I hadn't know why she was appearing to me as a hallucination, but now I understand, why out of all the dead people i knew, it was her that i saw.

"I forgive you Mom, i forgive you." I say, tears rolling down my cheeks. She lets go of me with a smile and fades away slowly, until i can't see her anymore. Though i know she isn't gone, no one is ever truly gone. The weight of my anger is no longer there, all that is left is peace.

A/N I'm really proud of myself for updating frequently, hope you are enjoying this story so far 💗