Try Me

8.

Alone with my thoughts

I woke up around seven in the morning, tightly sandwiched between Lea and Jazzy. There was a strange sense of fear that was nagging at me as I slept; my feet carried me out to balcony, grateful for the fresh air. Although I was happy about where I was in life, I sometimes found myself feeling fearful that something would happen to ruin it for me.

I was nervous for the date, if it actually happened. When Jason disappeared on me it became clear to me that my commitment issues went beyond Demarcus. It was a fact that the way he treated me made me lose myself, and all of my confidence but maybe if I'd never gone through everything that my father put me through, then I would have known how I should have been treated. I had probably put up with everything that Demarcus did to me because I didn't want him to leave me like my father did. I wasn't going to assume anything or daydream about places that the thing with Jason and I could go, because I didn't see it going anywhere, at least at that particular moment. What I was somewhat sure of was that I wasn't ready for a relationship, we could date if the first one went well but I wanted to focus on the store.

I took a deep breath and reflected on how quickly the store was coming together, Lea, Jazzy and I had always talked about just how far we could take our store, but seeing it happen was a whole different feeling. As I began to feel overwhelmed, I knew that I needed to call my brother. Sometimes talking to him just centered me. I was never the type to speak about any issues that I had until I solved them but hearing him talk about all of the things going on in his life gave me some sort of peace. I tip toed into my room to grab my phone while trying to be as quick and quiet as possible, so that Lea and Jazzy would not be disturbed.

I dialed TJ's number and waited for him to answer me.

"It's mad early right now KK." TJ groaned into the phone.

I laughed softly, leaning on the balcony. "So, you're telling me that I can't check on my only brother? You were on my mind and I wanted to make sure everything was good money."

I could hear him shuffling around in the background "Stop trying to make that good money shit a thing. I'm good though sis, got a lot of contracts this summer so I'm gonna be busy. I gotta fly to LA in two weeks for this other project. I'm designing a building for this eccentric businessman."

TJ sounded as excited as he ever did about anything. He never talked about possible projects that he had because he felt like speaking on them meant that something bad would happen. I always believed that he subconsciously tried not to get excited so that he wouldn't be too disappointed if something fell through.

"I'm proud of you always Theodore." I said solemnly, needing to know that I was being truthful.

"It's too early for all that sweet talk but thank you KK, I appreciate it. Is the store coming along okay?" TJ hated his government name for several reasons; he had the misfortune of being named after our father and didn't like to be reminded of that fact.

"Yup. Darian is gonna do some artwork I believe and we're planning the launch party, I'll plan it around your schedule because I want you to be there." My brother was the reason for my success; I probably never would've gone to college if it wasn't for him.

He motivated me to think about my life seriously; I needed him to, because there was a long period of time when I didn't want to try- I barely wanted to be alive. My father's inconsistency and unpredictable nature took a toll on me during my childhood; on some days he would leave money for us but most times he would spend the day berating us or scold us for being hungry. What I resented most about him was his unpredictable nature; on some days he would be happy and take us to the store, stock the house with groceries and buy us anything that we wanted but then the next day he would be back to ignoring us and disappear for days.

TJ managed to channel his emotions into working; art for him was a sort of therapy and it turned out that people really liked his designs. He started out with graphic designing, thankfully people were willing to pay him for creating logos and whatnot. He was able to provide for the both of us and he was able to put himself through architecture school. Seeing him become successful motivated me to find something I loved too, so that I could have that same success one day.

"You know I'll be there; no client could make me miss that. You're my little star, remember that." TJ always called me that and even tattooed a star on his wrist to always remember me by.

"I know T, I'll let you go back to sleep now. Love you."

"And I love you too KK." TJ yawned and with that the call was over.

I checked the time and it was going on nine, so I decided to go make some breakfast. My phone pinged with an incoming text.

Jason.: Good morning beautiful.

I rolled my eyes and smiled this guy. I continued to make my pancakes; once I was done, I decided to reply to his message.

To Jason: Good morning.

Jazzy and Lea joined me in the kitchen a few minutes later, Jazzy immediately went for some coffee and Lea decided to eat the pizza that she hadn't eaten the night before.

"How long have you been awake?" Lea's raspy morning voice asked me as she sat next to me.

I sighed, taking a seat with my food. "A while, I was in my bag a little. Had some stuff on my mind."

"I figured that would happen eventually, you always need some time to process. Was it about this date?" Lea bit into her cold pizza, I scrunched my nose up in disgust a little because nothing about appealing about cold pizza.

I shrugged noncommittally, "In a way, but also not at all. Just this week and life in general has been a lot to process. I was thinking about my father and Demarcus and then I called TJ and talked to him for a bit."

"How is TJ?" Jasmine asked while she stirred her coffee, there was a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

"I know you don't care, or do you?." I laughed "He's good though, he told me that he's gonna be busy all summer and he's going to LA soon."

"I mean he's cute or whatever. I'm not trying to talk to him or anything KiKi, it's weird." Jazzy was rolling her eyes, I understood where she was coming from; especially because we viewed each other as sisters.

"Right. I'll give you his number since you wanna be a liar." Lea said, not believing a word that she was saying.

We continued to talk and eat for a while until Jasmine and Lea went to go get ready. Jason called me as soon as the clock struck ten, keeping to his word from the night before.

"So, you follow instructions well." I said when I answered the phone.

Jason chuckled lowly. "Yeah, I'll do whatever you want me to. I just called to let you know that we're still going out, I got one of my brothers to handle shit for the day, so nobody is going to be me calling me either."

"I'll be more impressed to see it happen, are you picking me up or am I meeting you there?" I started to twirl my hair around my finger like a schoolgirl as my excitement grew.

He laughed again at the tone of my voice. "I'm coming to get you Kira, it's more proof that I'm not going to leave you stranded. Be ready at one because I have a couple things planned."

"That's perfect, and you're coming inside because my sisters wanna meet you." I told him.

"The mouth breathers?" Jason chuckled. "I got you though, I'll do whatever you want." I laughed at that.

"Damn, you must feel really bad about ditching me." I teased.

Jason hummed in agreement, "I thought I told you that already. You have me feeling like shit for that and I don't plan on repeating that scenario."

"We'll see, later Jason." I sighed.

"Later Kira." He chuckled and hung up the phone.

It might be worth it after all.