Dear you,

her entry no.13

20 Sept

Dear you,
I can't take it anymore, I started smoking and cutting again. Previously I wrote that I was going to stop... but I can't. I'm desperate. Ben told me that slowing down the number of cigarettes would help eventually stop. But the truth is, it never did! My body aches constantly and sometimes I get severe migraine. To top it all of I have all of this bullshit to face. I'm an addict and at this point not even God can help me.

I gave myself fresh cuts, eight on my thigh and about ten on each arm. While doing so I kept on remembering how Ben bandaged them when he first saw them. Too bad there's no one now.

Let me walk you through on how I came to my current state. Yesterday I went over at Ben's to study for finals and here's what happened. He opened the door with a dark blue swollen eye! Don't get me wrong but I know the difference between a punch and an injury.

"Hey", he said casually while my jaw was hanging.

"Don't pretend like that's nothing!"

"Oh this old thing? -he pointed to his eye- I fell"

"Ben how old do you think I am? Tell me who punched you?!"

"What punch? Oh no one. Hahaha who would punch me?", he gave an awkward smile and leaned on the door pretending everything was fine.

We went to his room and I got hold of the first aid kit. The same one from which he took bandages out for me. I noticed my shirt on his table. But let's not get into that. I slowly applied the ointment around his eye. I guess that's one advantage for having doctor's as parents.

"It's nothing, really", he said

"What do you mean! Your eye looks like a kid painted purple paint around it! How is this OK?"

"It doesn't hurt though"

"Ben you need to tell me who did this!"

"What? Nobody but me. I fell"

"Really how? A banana peel?", I said in a sarcastic tone

"Damn those monkeys".

I kept on pressuring him, but he wouldn't open up to me. So, I just believed what he said (thought I had my doubts), and we started studying. We studied for about four hours straight and it was already eight at night. Ben kept yawning so I told him that a little nap wouldn't hurt. We ended up lying together. My head rested on his arm, and both of us looked outside his window. At that moment I realized what I had done. I had ruined his life completely.

"Thanks", Ben said

"For what?"

"Everything", he said and kissed me on my forehead

"Did you like your gift?"

"loved it", I put my hand on his chest as he said that.

"Ben I need to tell you something", I said in a serious tone

"But I showered"

"Not that, you smell great. It's something else"

" what is it?"

"I'm not good enough for you", I said and sat up

"What do you mean?"

"Ben I'm sorry"

"What's going on? I don't get it"

"My ex punched you in the eye. I know"

"How do you-"

"Who else could it be? Who else would keep on bothering you to stay away from me? you know how much you could get hurt? What am I gonna do when one day he decides to shoot you?" a tear rolled down Ben's eye as I said all that.

"I'm safe as long as I'm with you. And I don't care if someone beats me up, messes my car or even kills me. I don't care about getting hurt, okay?"

"But I care. Turns out I'm the one you should be running away from. I'm a fucking addict who cuts herself to hide her sorrows! I'm a psycho! You deserve better. I can't get better, Ben"

"Don't say that! You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever met! I would give anything to spend just a second with you. You'll get better. Give it time."

"JUST STOP BEN! Why do you have to be so fucking nice? You deserve to go to the college you always wanted and be happy. And I deserve to be in a shit hole", I got up to leave but Ben got hold of my wrist

"Don't do this to me. I can't live without you". At this point he had started crying. But I knew I had to leave.I can't believe I'm saying this but, when you love someone so much sometimes it's better to leave.

-instant message-
Me:hi
Ex: what's up?