Dear you,

her entry no. 17

dear you,

The last few months passed like silky hair through my fingers. A lot happened which made me feel like I was oblivious to reality. I gently rubbed my hands along my stomach where my baby was safe and sound, from the evils of the outside world. I wanted it to be that way. I didn't want my child to peek into the evil world and wanted to keep it protected inside its shell. Wow I did grow attached to my unborn baby. My mom said that it would be born any day now.

Yesterday I heard screaming downstairs and didn't have enough energy to investigate who it was. I kept on calling my boyfriend but he wouldn't pick up. My mom said that he was out of the state and told me I didn't have to worry. I wonder if he is ever coming back. 

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''why?'', Ben said while tears rolled down his cheek.

''you won't understand''. He had knocked on my door that morning and I urged to see his face one more time. My parents were not home and so I was left with no choice but to face him. My heart broke when I saw him like that. I thought he was happy. He had lost weight and had scars on his forehead. 

''when have I never understood you? tell me why you left me for that ass hole. I know for sure that I can treat you a thousand times better than he can. But you never even tried '', at this point I couldn't hold it in any longer. I joined him in the air filled with emotions

'' I was the one who was the villain in our story. I know for a fact that I was distracting you from your clear future. I couldn't bare the guilt any longer. And when you love someone that much, you have to sacrifice'', I managed to answer back while wiping tears from with my sleeve

''But you were never a distraction. You made me see the light. You are my light''. He looked side to side as if that would help him hold his tears back.

''why does God have to make this so hard?! Ben I'm sorry but I have to leave now'', I said while closing the door

''please don't do this to me. I can't live without you'', he said while holding the door, afraid I'd shut it

''Ben don't fucking make this harder than it already is. I need to close the door!'', I was screaming at this time. My stomach was hurting as if someone was stabbing it with a butchers knife. At that moment I felt that I had wet myself. I looked down and realized that my water had broke.

''oh no. Is that- umm what do I do? ok I'll get the mop. No I'll- '', Ben stammered staring at the water not knowing what had happened.

''Ben just take me to the hospital!'' I yelled. My stomach was lit on fire. He helped to the car and I could feel his hands shaking. 

''Ben this is the drivers seat. I obviously won't be driving!''

''oh my bad. I'm sorry this is my first time. I'm just so nervous'', he stammered again. I placed both my hands on his cheeks and held in a way that he was looking directly at me. His hazel eyes stared back in mine

''I need you to calm down Ben. Take a few breaths and drive me to the hospital. You need to calm down''. It felt like it was him who was having the baby

We sat in the car and he drove us swiftly to the hospital. I wondered what was going through his mind. He was taking the person he loved to the hospital, knowing that it wasn't even his baby. He kept on asking me along the way if I was okay or if I needed anything. We reached the hospital and I was taken to the delivery room.

''you'll be okay!'' he yelled from behind the closed door

I don't remember a lot from that event. Only the doctor saying '' congratulations it's a girl!''. I remember my parents running into the room hugging and kissing me. I saw Ben standing outside looking through the window, smiling. How I loved him even more at that moment. I gave him a nod and mouthed 'thank you'. He smiled back and wiped a single tear from his eye.