Dear you,

her entry no.15

21'oct

Dear you,
You know when you face a certain moment in your life that changes everything. The moment on which your life depends on. That moment determines whether you get to kill yourself or just keep on dying alive.

Long story short: all the symptoms I was showing for the past weeks basically sums up that I'm pregnant. The one day I forget to take my birth controlling pills and I get pregnant. Great! .Don't worry I have done different pregnancy tests to make sure.

I know I'm too young to have a baby, but you know what? I can't do anything about it. I can't smoke because that's going to affect the baby. I'm stuck in this shit hole, not alone but with a fucking baby in me. My mom said that I'll learn to love it, but how can I? How can I love something which ruined my life?

I can't go to college because I don't want people staring at my enormous stomach (it's gonna get big). Just to be safe, I joined online classes. I actually enjoy them because I don't have to face anyone. Especially Ben.

The next question arises : whose the dad?!. And no its not Ben. Its my boyfriend aka my ex. Who is no longer my ex but I refer to him as that because I previously referred to him as that. My brain just farted.

I did tell him as soon as I did the tenth test. He was the second person I told, first being my mother. I told him he did not have to worry because I'm going to give the baby for adoption. I know I'm an ass, but this baby is a whole new burden on me. He was fine with it and told me not to tell anyone.

My mother, surprisingly, cried at first. But later she told me those were joyful tears. Really? What the fuck are joyful tears? She said I'll learn to love the child, but we all know that's not gonna happen. I hate babies.

I really want to smoke right now, but I can't. Apparently it will affect the baby's growth and his ability to learn. Did my homework.

Update on Ben:
Haven't seen him for twenty six days. And no I do not plan on telling him about my child. I know him, he's gonna break. Yesterday I don't know why but I parked my car right outside his house. And looked at his window assuming things were normal. We were in love and nothing had happened.The truth is I'm not over him. But I have to pretend for his sake. OUCH! My stomach just felt like someone lit it on fire.

Anyways, Ben did come to my house when I left college. But I slammed the door on his face, just so he could assume that I didn't like him. But what I really wanted to do was to hug and kiss him. Tell him everything and wanted him to assure me that everything going to be all right.

I just have to deal with this baby for nine months, fuck that's very long. But after that, hopefully, I can live my life. And now I know what Ben meant when he said "nothing goes by nature's rules"

 I know my child is going to have a lot of questions for me, so, I though of writing small notes to her. Just so my baby could know I didn't have a choice. Not that I care though.

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(On your 13 birthday)
Dear baby,
So this is from your mother and I still don't know if you're a girl or a boy. I'm assuming you got this on your 13 birthday, because kids are mature then. And they understand shit. Sorry for swearing, its a habit. But if you got hold of this before or after then just pretend like its your 13 birthday.

I know you have a lot of questions, but hear me out. I'm not a bad person for giving you up. I mean that does make be a bad person but STILL. You'd probably do the same. Ok so I just want you to know that mommy is a useless person who could not care for you. And so she was left with no choice but to give you away. and I hope you got a family that loves you. Because clearly thats what I lack. Daddy couldn't care less in case you're wondering!

Now don't get all emotional reading this, because I honestly didn't. So enjoy your birthday and you'll be receiving more notes later on in your life from me. Please don't try to contact me because this is not a movie and you will not be able to find me.

Party hard you're 13! And stay safe.

Sincerely,
Mom