Status: In the Midst

In Person.

Zara Costanza

It's been a whole month ever since I last saw Tom in person... and I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've spent so much time contemplating if what I was doing was a rash decision, a dumb decision, or if it was going to benefit Tom; in the end, I wanted him to be happy, even if he had to be sad first to be truly happy.

I finally made this decision about a week ago. It's probably for the better for both of us. Maybe what I was going to say was going to make him extremely upset, but it would be worth it because then he'd be happy after he came to the realization of what I did and why I did it.

Tom and I were both at the airport coincidentally. I had a flight to Los Angeles to do a few more voice recordings for Anastasia, and he had a layover before he was flying back to Atlanta.

We only got to see each other for about an hour, so that gave me just enough time to do what I had to do.

We both sat at this booth, which was secluded and gave us enough privacy. There were no paparazzi around or anything, since we both made it past airport security. That's a good thing because I'm hoping for there to be no interferences as we talk.

After our talk on FaceTime a few weeks ago, everything has been confusing lately. We were away from each other for a few weeks and haven't seen each other until now. Both of us didn't seem extremely happy with our long distance relationship. It's hard, and it takes a huge toll on me, emotionally.

Now, it's time to clear things up and express how I feel to Tom. In person.

"You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking..." I began, my heart beating intensely fast. My chest felt tight, and I could literally feel weights pushing down against my shoulders.

"Yeah... so have I," he said in a nervous tone. He avoided my eyes and seemed particularly tense. "You go first."

I sighed. I feel so awful to the extent that I'm nauseous. This is so hard and it's like all of the rehearsing that I did earlier seems to have failed me.

His eyes finally met with mine, and I took it as a signal to speak.

"The distance. It's been so hard. And I know, I keep saying that, but I really do mean it, Tom. At first, I thought-I think that we both thought that it was making our relationship stronger. But I don't think that's whats happening. It's making it weaker, and this is something that I don't know how to fix-"

He broke eye contact with me and looked down at the table. "I agree. I thought that it was making it stronger too, but I feel like what we used to have was different than what we have now." From the sound of his voice, I didn't think that he meant that in a good way.

"I've been trying so hard to adjust to this difference, but I feel like I can't. We keep missing each other, week after week, after week. And I feel like we try so hard to see each other-and maybe it's just me, but it feels really forced. Even when we FaceTime each other, there's the time zone difference... I feel like we're trying so hard to make this work, and I'm no relationship expert, but I don't think that it's supposed to feel that way," I said, my eyes began to water.

"I know," he said quietly.

I quickly wiped my tears with my sweater sleeves. "I just-I just want you to be happy. And as your best friend, I feel like I've seen you happier. And in order for you to be at your happiest, I just think that maybe we shouldn't be together." As my own words were being spoken, I felt this pang of pain. It wasn't physical pain. It was heartbreak.

His eyes were also watery. He put up his hand to wipe his eyes. "I've definitely seen you happier. And I want you to know, that all I want is for you to be happy, even if I'm not in that picture," he paused and wiped his eyes again. "Is this what you want?"

I sniffled and wiped my eyes again. "Yes," I said, in a broken voice.

"Okay," he whispered, wiping his eyes again.

We sat there in silence for a minute, and it wasn't awkward because we were both processing what just happened...

I just broke up with Tom Holland.

"Flight 235 to the sunny, Los Angelos, begins boarding now. Flight 235 to Los Angelos, begins boarding now," said a voice through the intercom.

We sat in silence for a few seconds, both of us in tears.

"That's my flight."

He put his fist by his mouth. "Uh, yeah. You should go."

I began to stand up and so did he. We gave each other a hug, and I inhaled one last scent of him.

I grabbed my bag and got out of the booth and then stopped. I turned around and looked at Tom. "You were my first actual love. You were the first actual boy that told me that he loved me. Besides my dad. And you were also the first boy that I dropped the big eight letters to; I love you. And I'm happy to say that I've dated one boy that didn't end up being a jackass. So, thank you, Tom."

"I'm honored," he said, giving me a small smile.

I gave him one last smile before turning away and leaving.