Status: In the Midst

Thoughts.

Zara Constanza

Tom was walking me back to my trailer after our interesting day of shooting and live-streaming.

We were talking about the incident and I couldn't help but giggle.

"I mean, isn't it funny though, this is how our fans are going to find out? I mean it's totally un-me to do something like this-but you... well we probably could've expected something like this," I say jokingly.

"Oi! No way! My press is working their asses off to get this thing off of the internet, but it's already out there. For the sake of their sanity, I'd definitely going to try and not pull a stunt like this, again."

"Poor Harrison, he's probably dealing with a nightmare right now," I clenched my teeth together and gave Tom a pitiful look.

Tom scoffs in a scornful way, "He should've never let it slip! I mean, of course, I love the lad, but even if it wasn't a live stream, he shouldn't have exposed us like that. What if the interviewer didn't want to cut it? Not all companies are that naive."

"I know, and I'm not saying that I don't disagree, but then again, he didn't even have a mic and he didn't say it that loud. I haven't even heard the clip, so maybe it's not as bad as we think, Tom..."

"I feel like I can hear him right now. Maybe you are right, love. I guess we can only hope for the best."

I rest my hand gently on his arm, "Also, maybe it's for the better that people find out. I mean, we were always somewhat public about our relationship."

He gives me this soft and sincere look, "But I'm just afraid that maybe last time we put too much out there. I want to do it right this time, Zar. I want us to be forever. That's why I want to wait, and it doesn't help if the world is pressing on us to date because we both know that the media is very controlling and demanding, no matter what people say, it always affects our personal lives."

I remove my hand from his arm, "That's true. I want to do it right too," I didn't exactly agree with him, but I went with it. "I thought that we did a pretty good job on controlling what did affect us and what didn't, though. I mean, personally, from my perspective-I like to think that the media didn't control our past relationship."

"Oh yeah, I mean we did great. I agree with you, but I feel like it's so hard to sometimes determine what's real and what's not. I realized that I had feelings for you after watching a fan edit of us, Zar. And for sure my feelings were real because I fell in love with you and I still am. I'm just afraid that one day I'll make an awful decision and my whole heart won't be in it," he says gravely.

Him saying all of this stuff made me wonder if he was questioning wanting to start another relationship with me.

Did that mean that he just wasn't ready yet? And how long was I going to have to wait?

Internally, I felt ready. I know I love Tom and this time, I'm in it forever. Though he said he was too, I just wondered how long it would be until we could be in a relationship again.

Maybe I was just a girl being paranoid, but I couldn't help it. What if he comes to a realization that maybe we just aren't meant to be, and pulls out last minute?

It feels like his hand is wrapped around my heart. I could be paranoid, but I'm afraid that if he gets too scared, he'll become distant and maybe one day, it might get shattered. It could just be the paranoia talking, but I know that I trust him.