desires / fillie

pills

the song is kinda important lol
-
also this chapter has suicidal thoughts and tendencies so i'm sorry you can skip if you want. just skip the italicized paragraph.
i really like this chapter it's pretty long and it has a ton of new stuff.

millie's pov

i run the bath, while looking in the medicine cabinet for my extra razors and pain killers.
i slowly sit down in the tub fully clothed, with my arms resting on both sides, razor in one hand and pills in the other.
i swallow the pills and throw the bottle at the door carelessly, and prepared myself for the cut.
i slowly cut vertically on my damaged skin on top of my already existing scars.
before i knew it, i became dizzy and all i could see was red water overflowing the tub.
then everything turned black.

i shot up from my sleep, sweating, crying.
it was 3:47am, and i had a nightmare.
although, the nightmare would become reality soon enough when i want it to.

i climb out of bed and change out of my sweaty clothes. still crying, i crawl back into bed to fall asleep to my soft sobs.

-

i wake again to my alarm clock that read 6:00.

after taking a shower, i changed into leggings and a cream colored henley. i pulled over an army green rain coat and walked out of the house. no robert, huh.

i brought pain killers with me today, because why not. i brought a razor again too, i know it's weird but i feel naked without it.

sitting in my car, smoking my cigarette, i pop a pain killer when i glance up and see finn looking at me. he shakes his head walking away, his curls bouncing to his movements.

i don't care what he thinks of me, or anyone for that matter. but there was a spark of guilt that formed in me when he walked away.

maybe he cares.

i brush it off while getting out of my car and walk into what i call hell.

-

it's lunch already, and i'm walking to the bathroom. i sit in the bathroom durning lunch because i don't have any friends, and i don't want to sit alone because i feel like everyone is staring at me.

on my way to the bathroom, i stop at a glass case on the wall that held all of the school trophies. i look at myself and it looks like i haven't slept in days. a hot tear trails down my face before i'm interrupted.

"you know it's lunch, right?"

finn.

"uh yeah i was just-"
he cuts me off by wiping the single tear away from my face with his thumb, all while cupping my cheek in the palm of his hand.

for a moment, i felt comfort, warmth, touch.

he quickly pulls away realizing what he just did.

"um i'm sorry i didn't mean to-"
"it's fine. um.. do you want to get coffee later?"
i say, cutting him off.
he gives me a surprised glance before nodding vigorously.
"pick me up at 5."
i start to walk away, when his hand grabs my wrist.
"i need your address." he states.
"right, i'll give you my number and i'll text you."

i grab a pen from my backpack, and he puts his hand out, signaling for me to write it on his palm. i smirk, and my eyes flicker to his collarbone, partly covered by his black v-neck t shirt. i come closer, putting my cold hand on his warm neck, trailing down to the collar of his shirt. i pull it down, exposing more of his chest. i take the pen in my other hand, and lick the tip of the pen making eye contact. his face is a warm shade of red, and i begin to write my phone number on his chest. i felt his hand fall down to his side. when i finished, i put the pen in my pocket, and walked away smiling without saying a word.

finns pov

she walks away from me, and i just stare at her as she leaves. i'm standing frozen like an idiot.

god, what is she doing to me? i don't even know her name.

-

i drive home taking long hits from my cigarette. when i arrive, i run upstairs and look in the mirror. i type the numbers that are on my chest, and call.

the suspense in the rings kills me.

"hello?" a small british voice asks. she sounds like she's been crying.

"uh yeah, hi. it's me, finn?"
"oh right. hey. what do you need?"
"oh nothing, just calling to see if the number works."
i mentally slap myself across the face.
what the fuck was that finn?
"okay..well it's only 4:00, i'll text you my address. see you later."
before i could say bye, she hangs up.

millie's pov

i hang up the phone and i text finn my address before i set it down on the bathroom counter. i look into my puffy eyes and walk out.

i hear glass shattering downstairs. i slowly walk down the stairs to see robert throwing beer bottles at the tv. the brown glass covered most of the carpet.

"the fuck you lookin' at?" he asks, making me jump.

he's drunk

"nothing."
"what?!"
i start walking into the kitchen and open the fridge.

"i said nothing. you need your fucking hearing checked."
and before i knew it, i was thrown against the wall with a strong hand wrapped around my small neck.
i'm struggling for air when i look into roberts eyes.

"don't you ever talk to me like that ever again you little bitch." he quietly demands.

"fuck. you." i whisper.

i feel a pain in my eye, when i realize he punched me with full force. i squirm out of his hands, putting mine on my throbbing eye. i turn to the front door opening, and he storms out.

i break down. hard.
although it's nothing new, it still hurts. physically and mentally.

i'm laying on the tile floor of the kitchen when i realize it's already 4:51. i run upstairs and ask finn to pick me up at 5:30 instead.
i told him that i took a nap and woke up late.

sure.

before jumping in the shower i take a quick glance at myself in the mirror.

a bruise is already starting to form around my eye. i start to panic when i remember that robert threw away all of my makeup in a fit of rage, the day he trashed my room when he was drunk.

classic.

i don't want to have to tell finn, but i can't cover it up. i don't want to ditch him, because it's not like it'll be gone by tomorrow. and i really think i'm starting to have something for this shaggy haired boy.

ew what? shut up millie.

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okay woah. 1146 words.
i know this chapter was long.