desires / fillie

r.i.p. to my youth

finns pov

i woke up and rolled over, resting my head on my bent arm. i see millie, in only her bra and underwear.

she's so beautiful.

i crawl out of bed, grabbing a cigarette and a lighter. i walk into her dark lit bathroom and close the door. i stare at myself in the mirror. i light the cigarette and look at my phone.
7:54pm.

after a few minutes, millie walks into the bathroom and closes the door. she props herself onto the bathroom counter leaning up against the mirror with her knees up. she has her own cigarette and lights it.
she sits with her almost-bare body calmly smoking.

she's so hot.

i've been staring for a few minutes now, and she turns to me. she eyes my almost-bare body and smirks while taking another hit.

like i said, hot.

she finally breaks the silence.
"do you want to sleep over?" she asks.
"yeah. i'll just have to tell my mom that i'm staying over gatens or something."
she nods.

-

after our "smoke-sesh," she throws on an old t shirt from her drawer.
i'm guessing it used to be her dads.

we walk downstairs to the empty house.

"where's your uncle?" i ask, following her into the kitchen.
"i don't know. for all i know, he could be gone all week. or he's dead." she says, nonchalantly.
i furrow my eyebrows at her, and she shrugs, pressing her lips together.
"i wouldn't be surprised if he was. i wouldn't really care, anyways." she says.

i mean i guess i understand that, he treats her like shit and she can't do anything about it.

-

after we drive to my house and back to hers, it's 9:30. i get in the shower and let the warm water run down my body. i get confused when i'm interrupted. i hear the door open, and my head peaks out from the shower curtain. millie's standing at the sink, and we meet eyes in the mirror. she laughs.
"what are you doing in here?" i ask.
"oh nothing.." she says, walking closer to me.

what is she doing?

she takes off her over sized shirt to reveal her underwear and bra.
"do you mind if i join?" she asks.
i freeze, and she giggles at my reaction. my face is red hot.
i want her to join me of course but i don't want to take her innocence from her.
it's not like that wouldn't happen, i mean what's gonna happen? we stand there naked in the shower? no way, that's not how it goes.

she could tell i was thinking.

"relax, finn. i was just kidding. i left my charger in here when i took a shower before school." she laughs, and grabs her charger and shirt. "i was just messing with you. i'm sorry." she giggles.

i take a big breath of relief, as she walks over and kisses me. she pulls away and smiles, and walks out of the bathroom.

millie's pov

i walk out of the bathroom and feel tears slowly running down my cheeks.

he doesn't want to have sex with me? i thought he loved me...

i know i sound stupid, but i thought that he was ready. i know i am. i mean whenever we make out, it comes close to it. why would it be too far?

i grab my pain killers and my keys off of the counter and walk out the door.
i drive away in my car, a cigarette already lit.

i park in the small parking lot of a gas station. it's where i usually go to clear my head.

-

it's 11:30pm and i've gone through almost an entire pack of cigarettes.

i pop 4 pills and doze off.

finns pov

i get out of the shower, and wrap a towel around my waist.

something was off about millie, almost as if she was disappointed...or it wasn't actually a joke.
i walk out of the bathroom and into millie's room. she's not there, so i walk into the kitchen. she's not there either. i look out the window, and her car is gone.
i panic, wondering if i did something wrong.

i run upstairs and changed into black joggers and a white t shirt.
i grab my keys and i'm out the door.

i drive for about 10 minuets, checking every local hotel and motel for her car.
no sign of millie.

i'm in my way back, with hot tears rolling down my cheeks.

did i say something wrong?

i'm low on cigarettes, so i park in a gas station parking lot.
i climb out of the car when i realized who i parked next to.
a small brown haired girl sits in the drivers seat, peacefully sleeping using her arm for a pillow while it rests on the car door.

millie.

i open the passenger door, making her wake up in a jump.
she stares at me with her tear stained cheeks.
i sit down, closing the door.
i pull her into a hug as she softly cries.

"why did you leave?" i ask.
"it wasn't a joke, i felt like i was ready to have sex with you. but i saw your face, and it looked like you didn't want to. i overreacted, i'm so sorry." she's sobbing now, and i hold her closer.

"it's not that i didn't want to, or that i wasn't ready, i just feel like i'd be taking away your innocence away from you if we did that. you're the most beautiful, smart, and trustworthy person i've ever met. and i am in love with you. our day will come, i promise."

"i love you so much." she says, while a tear leaves her left eye.

"i love you too."

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i'm updating so much rn because i have n o  l i f e  and a lot of free time lol.