desires / fillie

void

hey guys!
PLEASE READ
so this is the first chapter, and it's mostly revolving around getting to know millie.
there is some self harm in this chapter, and in most of the book, so you have been warned.
oh and i added music to kinda bring it to life if you know what i mean.

millie's pov

it's 6am on thursday. i lay still in my bed while staring blankly at my ceiling emotionless, letting the piercing rings of my alarm clock fill my empty room.

after i finally build the strength to turn the damn thing off, i struggle to climb out of bed and walk into the bathroom. i stare at myself for about a minute, mentally pointing out my own flaws hating myself for them more and more.

i stand in the shower letting the warm water run through my hair and down my bare back, before turning off the water and wrapping myself in a towel.

even this early in the morning, i feel empty. i feel worthless. i just want everything to stop.

after my parents died from a car crash when i was 11, everything changed. my uncle took me in, which meant that i had to move to hawkins, indiana. his name is robert. we don't get along very well, but he's all i have left. robert has a drinking problem, and sometimes he hits me, but i've gotten used to it. he's trying to be better i guess.

i don't have any friends, so i tend to keep things to myself most of the time. i'm always sad and alone, but that's just the normal for me.

it's already been 20 minuets after i've gotten out of the shower when i realized i was sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing, while bare naked with only a baby blue towel for coverage.

i quickly got up and walked to my room. i changed into a baggy long sleeved gray and white thin striped sweater with black leggings. i blow dried my shoulder length brown hair and parted it in the middle, leaving it down. without putting on any makeup, (because who cares anyway?) i walk downstairs with my backpack over my shoulders. i see robert passed out on the couch with the tv still on. i rolled my eyes and grabbed my keys and jacket from the hook and left.

as soon as i got in my car, i reached into my jackets pocket and found my lighter, with a pack of cigarettes and a razor. i grab a cigarette and quickly light it, taking a slow breath in and letting out the toxic smoke. i started smoking when i was 13, and of course robert hasn't noticed yet. dumbass.

i got to the school and threw the cigarette on the cold pavement and slowly walked into the doors of the building that was hawkins high school.

i was walking to my locker while secretly fiddling with my razor that was in my pocket, already knowing what i'll use it for later.

i will end it soon. i have to.

i was still walking when someone bumps into me from behind, causing me to leap forward in a face plant. my razor goes sliding across the hall, plain sight, where everyone can see that i dropped it.

"you should really watch where you're going, dickhead." i demand.

"oh shit sorry." a tall and skinny pale teen with black shaggy curls and freckles like stars spread out on perfectly carved cheek bones carelessly apologizes.

he stares at me blankly, while i still have yet to get up from the ground. his eyes flicker to my razor that lays there in the middle of the hall.

"is that...yours?" he asks.
"yes, you can go now."

without following my request, he grabs the razor and walks away.

does he think he's smart? i have more, dipshit.

i scoff at the sight and climb up and forget to go to my locker on my way to first period.

-

the bell for sixth period rings signaling the end of the day, before i walk out of the school doors. the back doors that is, because when i stand outside and smoke in the front, the teachers get bitchy and i get in trouble.

i stand with my back against the brick wall with one foot bent against it, with a cigarette in hand. my hand raises up to my mouth putting the cigarette between my soft lips, when my sleeve rolls down in the process. i stare at my forearm in disgust, which exposed my cuts. they're vertical, because when i do this i'm not trying to die. i need the pain. i need to feel something.

i quickly roll my sleeve back up when i notice the same shaggy haired boy walking towards me.

"you still want this back?" he holds up my beloved razor, with a worried and concerned look on his face.

"i don't really care, little do you know, i have more." i smirk, while taking a puff of my cigarette.

he stands in disbelief, eyeing me up and down as if he's never seen me before.

"i didn't know you smoked." he states.
"you do now, loverboy."

i put out my cigarette and start walking to my car. i stop when i realize he's behind me, following me. i turn around and give him a glance that asks why are you still here?

"i'm finn by the way, finn wolfhard." he states.

rolling my eyes, i hop in my car and start my engine. he's still here.

"are you waiting for my name?" i ask.
"well i'd hope to get it sooner or later."
"maybe later, wolfhard."

i roll up my window and drive home. robert isn't here, and he usually isn't, he's probably knocking up some bitch from the bar around the corner. he basically lives there, he just sleeps here. i'm turning 18 this year, so hopefully i can leave this hell hole.

before i know it i'm standing in the bathroom bawling my eyes out for thinking too much, razor in hand, hurting myself physically and mentally, only hoping for a better day tomorrow.

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yay first chapter!!
READ IF YOU WANNA UNDERSTAND THE NEXT CHAPTER LOL
i know it's a little depressing, but next is finns pov for the s a m e d a y.

it'll include his encounter with millie, and all that.

see ya