desires / fillie

numb to the feeling

finns pov

it's fourth period, and i have gaten in this class.

he turns to me, and whispers in my ear while mr. keery is giving a lecture.

"how are you holding up?" he asks me, with a worried expression.
"um i'm fine, why?" i ask, i'm really confused.
"oh you didn't hear?"
"hear what?!" i whisper yell, getting annoyed.
"about millie and noah..."
"what about them? they just met today, they're friends." i ask curiously.
"someone said that they saw millie and noah walking into the janitor closet. they waited to see if they would come out, and sure enough 10 minuets later, noah walks out first, hair all messed up and lips red, and 5 minuets later, millie walks out with her hair all messed up and her lips red."

am i hearing this correctly?

"so you're saying that noah and millie made out in a janitor closet?" i ask.
"yeah man, literally everyone is talking about it. i'm sorry." he says, while patting my back.
he turns away and faces the front of the classroom again.

that can't be true. it isn't like her.

my eyes start to water, and i ask to be excused.
i grab my things since it's almost the end of class anyway, and i walk out of the door.

i start to walk around the school, just to think.

would she actually do this?

the bell rang as a signal for the end of class. students start pouring out of classrooms on each sides of the hallway, surrounding me. i continue walking.

i swear i could've heard millie's and noah's names a hundred times in different conversations just for walking in the hall.

tears well up more and more. i wipe them away when the bell rings for fifth period. i ignore it, and i keep walking. i've been walking for 10 minuets already, but another 5 won't hurt.

another few minutes go by as i see millie turn around the corner in front of me. she has her hands crossed in front of her and she's looking at the ground while she walks. her shoulders bounce up in sync with her quite sobs.

i can't talk to her now. it's just not a good time. for me, and clearly not for her.

she looks up at me and i look away, while quickening my pace, passing her, without looking back.

i turn into english class, and everyone is doing their own thing. ms. dyer didn't notice i walked in late, so i sat down at my desk pretending i was here the entire time.

-

it's the end of the day, and i get into my car and leave.

the cigarette in my mouth burns my throat, my that's the least of my worries.

i get to my house and see that no one is home.

i plop on the couch and throw my head back, resting it on the top of the cushion.
i stare blankly at the white ceiling, thinking.

i pick up my phone and pull up millie's contact. i want to call her, but decided i shouldn't. i need to confront her in person.

but not now, not tonight. maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

is this payback for what happened with iris?

no, she knows that that wasn't on purpose on my part.

i fall asleep to my thoughts replaying in my head.

-

it's 7pm and my mom just walked through the door, waking me up.

"hey hun, how was your day?" she asks, throwing her keys into a dish on the coffee table by the front door. she hangs up her coat and looks at me, waiting for a response.
"uh it was fine." i claim.
she gives a slight smile and nods, walking into the kitchen.

"so for dinner i was thinking spaghetti...i really need to go grocery shopping." she says.
"yeah no that's fine, don't worry about it."

-

after dinner i went up to my room.

i think i'm still in a little bit of a shock from earlier. you'd think i would've had a good cry by now, but nope.

i don't think i completely believe it though.

i mean it makes sense.

what if she is tired of being with me, but doesn't want to admit it.

and what if i'm just another guy that she kisses all the time?

no, stop thinking like that, finn. she loves you, and you love her. it's as simple as that.

but what if she dumps me for him? then what?

ugh shut up finn!!

now i'm really crying, but quietly, because my moms room is right next to mine, and i don't want to wake her. she has to leave for her business trip tomorrow, and her flight leaves at 4am, so she has to go to bed early.

i slowly cry myself to sleep.

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is it okay if i just make this a super long book?