No Strings

CHAPTER 18--SWEET LOVE

"Anna is so fat that I think a two ton truck would get tipped from her weight." That was Ted's comment on Anna who was on the dance floor out of hearing range.

"You better not get fat or I'll leave you. I don't want Jello to ask for their Jigglers back."

Anna was a sweet person who far from deserved these comments. She was sometimes a little sassy, but had kind of confidence and warmth that enveloped the airspace around her. Her dancing was better than mine and the people she was dancing with weren't bad looking.

"C'mon," I begged, "let's dance."

After some reluctance, he let me take him to the dance floor to distract him. I was aware of my awkward heels as I danced on the floor. I wasn't used to them. He looked everywhere but me. I objected.

"They dance like this in my hometown. Just ask my friends."

I didn't want to upset him so accepted the comment, though it bugged me.

I was tired of this idea and tried to escape the dance floor. I wanted to go home. I didn't like clubs much in the first place. I told myself this over and over again. The loud music and lights were starting the hurt my eyes. I repeated this to myself.

Meanwhile, he weaved in and out of the crowd, catching up with me. He greeted Anna with a charming smile and raised up his glass of vodka. "I hope you find a job soon." He nodded towards Anna who said thank you.

I excused myself and said I had work soon and had a headache. Ted followed me. He'd driven to the club. I walked to the car, holding my head.

"You wanted to embarrass me, didn't you?"

"I have a headache."

"Why did you leave?"

"I have a headache," I repeated, rubbing my temples.

"You should have told me you wanted to go home."

I reminded myself that couples had arguments. This was normal. My parents fought when I was little and besides, I loved Ted. He was sweet to me after we fought. He opened the car door for me, frowning at me as I got in.

"Your friend Anna is strange. How can she live with herself looking like that. And those two guys she was with are eyesores."

"I have a headache, could we not do this? I need to go to work tomorrow."

I began to think about the stacks of paper. My head throbbed more. It had to be work that was giving me this headache.

He invited himself into my apartment. I was too tired to fight him. When I objected and said that I needed time by myself he asked if I loved him. I was afraid to fight. By the time I got to my apartment it was two am. My headache was getting worse.

I took a shower and got ready for bed with the intention of kicking him out.

"I need to go to sleep now," I said.

"Alright, after I kiss you."

His kiss was soft, sweet and tender which almost made up for the fact that he'd said so many mean things about Anna in the car. I felt bad that I'd not trusted him. I pulled away and repeated it again, but he didn't stop.

"Do you want to?" He held a condom in one hand.

He kissed me before I could answer. I tried to pull away, but his hand pawed at the buttons of my flannel nightgown. I tried to pull away so I could say no, but he wouldn't let me and leaned closer to me. He whispered into my ear, "You were amazing."

Before I could object I could taste his alcohol-scented lips on mine again. I tried to push him away, but I didn't want to hurt him. I was too tired to fight any more than that. My headache was so bad that I surrendered. My whole body hurt.

He asked again, "Do you want to?"

I couldn't say no. I didn't have the energy to fight him. I compromised who I was in that moment. And it was my first time. He couldn't see me. I don't think he cared all that much. He caressed me to satisfy his own needs. He would tell me to do things, but I was so very tired. He rutted like an uninterested dog against a leg. My eyes teared softly. I tried to hide my face so he wouldn't see them.

I fell asleep after, wanting so much to escape from the memory. I didn't want to remember his cliché words, "The way you danced... I know you wanted me." It hurt. I hurt. I cried in the morning too. I tried to keep the illusion of love again, but it was muddled and confused. I knew I should forgive him. I didn't say no.