No Strings

CHAPTER 19--GIRL IS MAD AT BOY

Titanic was a sucky movie for me. In its original release and fan fare I'd skipped watching it. I watched Emma, Pride and Prejudice and Bridget Jones Diary on DVD before I touched Titanic.

It was, to me, a movie about a sinking ship with fancy special effects, a loose love story with horrid dialog and a pension for abusive men to take advantage of weak-willed girls. I didn't meet Jacks. I wasn't a Rose. I had Rose's parents and met all of the Cals. The bastards that wouldn't let go. Cal was the most interesting part of the movie for me.

"I took my girlfriend to see this," William commented.

He sat down on the couch. I was getting use to him sitting down in the middle of my television-watching forays.

"If you jump, I jump, remember," Jack, Leonardo DiCaprio's character said.

"I like the part where the ship sinks," I said. "It affirms the idea that having a relationship for me the same as watching Jurassic Park when one has a huge phobia of reptiles."

He opened his mouth to comment, then his mouth went oh. I wanted to make sure that he didn't get any pretty ideas from the movie.

"Is your hedgehog doing well?" he asked.

I stared at his cheap wedding ring.

"Yes, fine."

"May I hold it sometime?"

I nodded.

"I promise to be as gentle with it as I am with you."

I took it for what it was. I knew I was being moody, but I viewed him as the captain that sunk my ship of marriage. Water was rushing in past the hull of my ship. Jack was now trapped behind the iron gate. And I wanted to keep him that way.

I stopped the movie. I wanted to see William handle a hedgehog. I could always get and file the divorce papers later.

***

"I'm fine with you divorcing me," William said over his morning coffee, "But I'm not fine with you being mad that I fell in love with you."

I nodded. He was right. I was mad that our idyllic life was shaken. I wanted him to always stay my friend and have no desires towards me.

"I'll get the papers if you want too. I'm fine with that."

"I'm sorry. Just tell me when I am acting that way."

I ate my cereal. His words connected in my head. I said, "I'll sign whatever you want me to."

"I'd still like a chance. Give me a few months--let's call it probation. Date me. If you don't want to, then I'd prefer a divorce if you wish to act that way towards me."

He said it as matter of fact. He continued to finish his coffee.

Face your fear. It was easier said than done. William was a great man. Just one I didn't feel attraction toward.

"I can give you a month to make a choice. I'm fine with what you choose as long as it makes you happy."

He was serious. I was afraid.

"I'll think about it."

I knew what the foregone conclusion was, but I still wanted to delay it. If I continued as I was we wouldn't be friends anymore. The words "I like you" in the way he wanted wasn't in my life plan. His confession was a betrayal of everything I had been planning last year. I sunk my chin down on the kitchen table. I was defeated by the three words the commercial media used the most. The words I wished to prey on, but never use. Life sucked.

"I promise I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do."

"Does that include the dishes?" My chin stayed on the table surface. I knew it was lame to say something like that. I knew what he meant.

"I won't yell at you for not doing them. We have a system that works already, don't we?"

I hated his practical side in moments like this. He gave me a sympathetic smile. "I'll wait for your choice."

I knew he had no intention of hurting me. He didn't want to have a four point five family. He didn't need a housewife to greet him at home. But why did he have to fall in love with me? I couldn't believe he wouldn't want his wife to greet him at the door in a fancy dress and cook the perfect meal. What was love anyway? I wished that my head could roll onto the floor.