Scattered and Broken, Book 3 of Wingless Series

Helplessness

Helplessness is a horrible spot to be in, absolute helplessness feels as if you're all alone with no way out. You feel stranded almost literally. I was sure that was what my Mother was feeling. As much as I wanted to help her out, I believed she deserved the majority of what she was given.

Pain was what we all shared in our family; we all were bitter and hurt in one way or another. We all wished for something, something we couldn't have.

Gray wanted a perfect life, free of any sort of mistakes. Hannah lived for what she was taught and that was perfect, even if perfect was a fake illusion. She didn't care how she had to obtain this; it was all she ever knew. My mother ached to be complete all though she didn't even know what that meant. It was something no one knew. She wanted the perfect family and lost that when Marcus died. I don't think she ever recovered. As much as she liked to think, we weren't what she would want us to be she deep down loved us children. I knew just as much as the rest of the family that my Mother was never quite the same after his death. My Dad wanted to be happy; no matter how complicated it had to be to arrive there. He was striving for happy. The problem for him was other stuff jumped in the way of that. I liked to believe that Marcus wanted freedom and peace as corny as that sounded; he always said he wanted nothing more than to feel right in his moment. Not a moment that was made for him or one that would last for a lifetime. He just wanted sporadic moments of happiness that he created. Because only then would he know, all was right. I never knew what I wanted, I wanted a little freedom to figure it out; I had no concrete answer of what any of this was.

I never wanted to blame her for turning her grief on and off; this was another moment where she had come unglued. I couldn't say I was shocked because I had seen it so many times before. My Mother could only stay perfect on the outside for so long, on the inside she was crumbling to pieces. Everything had simply sent her over the edge that she was trying to stay on.

"What are you doing out here in the dark?" Gray whispered walking up to me his hands deep in his pocket his shoulder drawn up from the cold.

I turned to look at him my breath coming out as I spoke, it was that cold.

"I was trying to take a breather, I was told to get some air." I said as Gray took a seat on the bench, he blew in his hands rubbing them together staring off into the night.

"You really punched Chad; I wouldn't expect anything else I suppose." He laughed to himself.

"It wasn't my finest moment, but it was a moment none the less." I said.

"I'm glad he didn't press charges." Gray offered staring at me as if he thought I was nuts.

"Yeah me too."

"Jail's no joke." He said as if he had any experience with it.

"Indeed it's not, he was just being rude, and sometimes rude people deserved to be punched in the face." I said with a sigh. Gray grinned scratching his head in confusion.

"Why does it bother you so much what he says about Evan?" He asked.

This was appalling to me someone would ask such a thing. If they knew, what love or affection was of any kind they would know, insults of any kind when you loved someone made you want to literally kill. Any kind of ill will to a loved one sent anyone in a rage. I thought Gray would understand seeing him and Devan seemed to be in some type of love.

"Because it's almost like you're insulting me." I said.

"It still blows me away my sister feels the way she does about another person. You used to be so dead set on never letting anyone in." He said taking my hand in his messing with the huge stone on my finger.

"Well I guess what they say is true." I said not wanting to be mushy.

"He treats you good."

"Yes he does, I like to think you think so. But sometimes I don't know." I said going back to Chad's rampage.

"What do you mean? I do think so." He said offended.

"Chad is your friend where would he get the idea from that Evan killed Nessa or tried to kill Mom?" I asked annoyed all over again.

"Not from me, I swear I never said anything. I don't think Evan killed Vanessa that's a little crazy."

I agreed amused by Gray seeming so oblivious to so much.

"People are always going to say things Eve, it more about how you deal with their ignorance. You know Evan for what he is, and as long as you are happy nothing else matters." He said not sounding to convincing.

"I agree. But I think you secretly think something more about Evan yourself."

"He comes from a different lifestyle and family. We aren't a family of crime so how am I supposed to feel about it?" Gray asked shuddering in the cold.

"I've never seen him do anything illegal. That's not how he is." I said reassuring him that Evan was no monster or thug.

"I don't know if you would or they would let you, Evan told me he was worried about you, do you know that?" He asked changing the subject in a rush.

"What?" I said giving a weird look; I knew Evan was not one to confide in anyone on the outside.

"He didn't elaborate much just that sometimes he worries about you." Gray said standing up the cold finally winning. I headed back into the hospital with him, snowflakes falling in the moonlight like tiny ballet dancers, the cold taking my breath away.

"Well he doesn't have to worry about me, I'm fine."