Ryder's Angel

Chapter Thirty-One: A Taste of Desire: Angeline

Chapter Thirty-One: A Taste of Desire: Angeline

When you get a taste of something delicious, you always want it more. But when you don’t, you long for it, you need it – like air you breathe. You try to keep hold of it, keep it in sight, keep it burning in your memory, but after a long time, it starts to fade. The longer you wait, the harder it is to keep the feeling with you. It’s as sweet as honey – or it’s as intoxicating as a drug. You need more.

Love is a drug.

I was suffering from withdrawal.

I’d kept it in my mind for a long time, buried but just surfacing in my mind. It was wonderful the first time, despite my grief over Kendall. And when Hutch struck his bargain, it was as painful as having a sword trust through your heart. I had felt so betrayed that night, as well as right now. I betrayed Danny and Ethan and everyone else. But it was for a good cause, despite how it ended and how it will cause future problems in a few months. But never mind.

It had completely surfaced last night when Danny began kissing me. It floated up as suddenly as if it had never been hidden, and the desire for it was so strong I felt like screaming. I needed it – desperately. I needed it badly or I’d go insane. I wanted this desire to leave; I wanted to sooth it like a rash with healing cream. I needed relief, to get away from my worries and the outside world for just a few hours. Just a few hours…

But what to do with Ethan? Tell him he’s having a sleepover with his uncle and his girlfriend? That Momma and Daddy are spending the night without him? He wouldn’t like that at all, and neither would I. I hated lying to him, to tell him anything but the truth. Like so many times before, Ethan would have to be brave.

But I needed this. I needed the drug again.

*

I had decided on this matter before I had fallen asleep. I’d been more tired than I realized, for I didn’t have as sleepless a night as I thought. And neither did Danny, because he looked bright and fresh the next morning – or maybe that was because I was okay.

We went to Kendall’s room to pick our son up, and he opened the door when we knocked. He clung to my leg and wouldn’t let go until Danny pried him off. My son then wrapped his arms around his father’s neck so tight it was as if he hoped his arms would be glued there.

I understood how he felt. It seemed, even to me, like it had been those two months apart from one another. To Ethan, those two days I was in the infirmary could be like years. Now it was going to be even harder to get some peace with Danny tonight.

Ever since I had found out I was expecting, my mood had changed dramatically. No longer was my face a mask, no longer was I a hard-trained killing machine, a killer angel, no longer was I indifferent. Something had broken inside me. Like a shell in my chest. It had shed its shell, releasing my innermost, most deeply-buried femininity. I was soft and innocent now, more like how a woman should be. Danny and especially Ethan had cracked that shell.

And I didn’t want that anymore.

Yes, I’d still take great care for Ethan and love him and my family more than air, but I wanted to fight again. I wanted to have to run for my life and then stop and fight to the death. I wanted to see an enemies light leave their eyes as I kill them. I was born to kill, to fight, to defend, and I hadn’t done it in so long it was just as much as a desire as what had resurfaced the other night. Just demonstrating my moves wasn’t enough – no, not nearly enough. Maybe I should ask Danny if he wanted to go on a scavenger hunt.

The treasure? Mutant-hating humans.

Oh, how savage I was! The killer angel was also unburying herself.