I'm Your Fool

Honesty

Home is where the heart is, they say? Then why do I feel so bare and numb deep inside? I thought once I quit my job at the pub my life would be better and I wouldn't feel so down. Thinking about it, my job at the pub was better. My life was better before he came in to it! It was just me, Josh and JJ. How it's supposed to be, now all I have is JJ. Maybe I should live on my own with my dog, perhaps it's better that way and I won't seem like a winey brat who just wants to have sex with any male who takes a step inside the door.

I don't have anyone anymore, not even a female companion who can keep me company and drink a glass of wine with me and say bad things about men. That's what Josh used to do, I remember teasing him about it and challenging his sexuality each time.

...

"Josh what do I do? He's just so, urgh. And I don't know if I can have 'urgh' in my life right now. The job at the bar is hard enough to deal with considering the manager is either really nice to me so he can bang me or he's really nasty because I've said no to him banging me. I can't lose the job, and I will not sleep with him just to keep my job!"

"Zoe, just don't stoop to his level. You are such a beautiful and amazing woman and any man who wants to take that for granted is a low life who needs a reality check. What I suggest is that whenever he tries it on with you, you let him know how it is and tell him to do one. Taking advantage of the only female employee is appalling and frankly looks bad for the business. If he loses his job because of it then I'll be the first one laughing."

"Josh correct me if I'm wrong, but you are straight right?"

"Oh hilarious! I'm simply trying to help you out here and be a respectful friend. I could have just said 'I don't blame him for wanting to bang you, your ass and is good and so are your tits'. But I didn't."

"Any straight best friend would have said that.."

...

His face was a picture, I remember laughing about it and taking the piss with him for about ten minutes straight that night. Now I'm left with nothing but memories and the aching I feel in my chest.

And the reminder of Justin. The kitchen reminds me of him from the time we cooked the meal, the couch reminds me of him from..well, from then. The bedroom the same reason, and this bathtub..oh wow this bathtub. Oh wow that night, I miss those nights more than anything...

His hands roaming my body, holding me steady while slowly and with delicate movements, pushing me to my breaking point until all I could feel were tingles inside and the world seemed like nothing but a giant and dazed cloud.

I fought so hard to not get him so I could have him and now I don't have him because I fought too hard to not want him when in reality all I wanted was him.

Did he not see that? Every time I 'pushed him away' all I really wanted was for him to shut me up with his lips on mine and take me to another world. Was that hard to see?

A woman would have seen that. I saw it, I saw when he did it to me. So why didn't he see what I was reflecting back to him? When he wanted me, I wanted him. When he didn't want me, I didn't want him. And vice versa. How didn't he see that?..

---

Another day at work with Justin and the gloom that came with it. He sent me to the printer and I came back. He sent me to get lunch and I came back. He sent me to make a drink and I came back.

"Zoey can you bring in your work about the care shelter and sit with me please? I need you to sit with me and run over some business tactics with me for a few hours. You don't mind staying behind late with me do you?"