Loving wolves

#19 Once a player always a player

Love 

It's such a simple word. Four letters, one syllable. It rolls off the tongue with ease and isn't complicated to spell.

The meaning of it however, is what really gets people. 

Love can mean many different things, To some, it means nothing. It's a word that's just thrown around like it has nothing behind it, no hidden message that's supposed to make another feel the same way.It's a lie that people use to get an upper hand on someone, to manipulate and drain them of something the other person can use. And to the people they use, when they find out, the feeling of love withers and crumbles until they're incapable of feeling it anymore ,to those love doesn't exist.

But to others, love is everything. It's what they live on, survive on. Every day they have to feel love to feel like they're living. Anything that shows affection. In all honesty I am not any of these. I do believe in love, and affection but I don't revolve around love, neither do I survive upon it. There are other things to life than love itself. 

But the thing that really gets me thinking, is the way love is used. I see couples saying they love eachother one minute, and the other they're off with someone else. That isn't love.It's nowhere near the real definition of love.

Hunter for example. Saying he loves me, when both know it's not true. But for some reason he wants to give me the idea that he does, and I need to find out why. But would a true lover ever insult the loved one?

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Yesterday was probably the worst. For the first time I felt like nothing. The phone callwas nothing but insults going bouncing back and forth. Call it insult hockey for all I care. But I'll tell you one thing. It hurt a lot. His insults and accusations were the worst. Will I ever even look at the face of Hunter ever again. Not that I want too. Believe me if I had a choice, I would run. Run far and never look back. Believe me I love this wood and every wolf in it, despite the ignorance and immaturity. But mates? No. That's where the line is drawn.

I've only had 2 love relationships in my life. Well it wasn't love but you get the point. If it wasn't for my mother I wouldn't be here either. I mentally sighed. I'm hopeless, I really am. I say so much but I can never do anything I dream of. I want to be a leader ,an insperation. But in reality I can never live upto that, hell I can't even do half of that. Those lectures I gave Ruben on true leadership was true, but I could never do it myself, so when I become Luna of the pack I'd have to rule alongside Hunter. If that ever happens.Which I'm sure won't.

 I could also tell Hunter wasn't pleased with me hanging out with Ruben rather than him, but I don't see why. Ruben is sweet and understanding, whereas Hunter is stubborn and ignorant, and don't forget a womanizer.

I shook my head and buried my head deeper in the sea of pillows. It felt so calm and soft as if I would find a whole new world, If I bury my head deep enough in it. Drowning deeper in the sea of pillows. Morning light peeked through the curtains, Making my eyes squint a couple of times.

I didn't feel like doing anything, I wanted to fall asleep and wake up to a better life. I wanted to close my eyes and open them when everything is over. I wanted the impossible. I shook my head out of my thoughts once more, and decided to get up and out of bed. I pushed my duvet aside, make my bed sheet messy. I got up and walked lazily, out of my bedroom and into the bathroom. I picked up my toothbrush and brushed my teeth. I freshened up and walked downstairs into my warm living room. It felt so quiet without the company of my dad around. I had  a paining ache in my heart as Hunter's insults roamed my mind. But I won't let him know I got hurt by him, I want to seem strong.