That Was Then

58-Then

I left my little blue bag that Mama made to match my dress in the gym and didn't realize it until I was a good ways away from the school already. My phone was in the bag and I was supposed to call Mama when I was ready to leave the dance. But I didn't want to because then I would have to tell her what happened. And I didn't want to have to tell her, or anyone. Ever.

Without realizing it or thinking about it, I was walking toward my house. My breath came in hiccups and my face was a mess of tears and snot. I still smelled the sweet but acrid smell of ketchup drying on the back of my dress. I carelessly kicked my low heels off of my feet because I kept stumbling. Tears blurred my eyes so taking off my shoes didn't even help much, I tripped over cracks in the sidewalk and stubbed my toes but I couldn't feel anything. I just kept hearing Kya's voice in my head, seeing her angry face inches from my own.

I thought that at some point along the long walk home I would start to feel better, that her voice would fade from a scream to a whisper. But her voice was still so loud as I stumbled up the fancy stone steps to the front door of my house that I had to cover my ears. Of course it didn't make any difference because her voice was inside my head, loudly playing like a mantra: "JUST KILL YOURSELF ALREADY".

The door was locked so I banged on it for probably five minutes before realizing that nobody was home. Mama didn't mention her and Dad going anywhere. It took at least a half a dozen tries typing in the code on the little keypad before I got the number combination right to let myself in. Practically falling into the foyer, I was greeted by a gigantic ball of brown fur and a smaller white one. Hiccup licked my face happily and I wrapped my arms around his neck waiting to feel better, waiting for my head to quiet down.

I stayed like that for a long time, sobbing into Hiccup's fur with Astrid weaving between us purring loudly. It didn't help. Nothing would help and nothing was ever going to change. Summer might be a reprieve but it wasn't long enough and I would just have to go back to the same thing when school started. I couldn't go back, I wouldn't. I was desperate to make the feeling in my head and my heart go away. It had to stop, I had to stop it now.

Choking on sobs, I got to my feet. On the railing there was a note in Mama's handwriting. I swiped at my eyes to try to make out the blurry letters. I made out enough to see that they were out looking for me, to call if I made it home. I didn't know how they knew that I'd left the dance or even what time it was. Oh well, it was better that way, they shouldn't be home for what I needed to do.

Leaving the note where it was, I padded up the stairs with Hiccup and Astrid behind me. I tip toed into Dad and Mama's room and shut the door behind me so that the dog and cat couldn't follow. In their medicine cabinet I found the bottle of pain killers from the surgery Dad had months back, I remembered he said he couldn't take them because they made him too out of it. There were 17 pills left in the bottle, I counted them out one by one and then popped the handful into my mouth. I only hesitated for a second before swallowing them down with mouthfuls of water from the faucet with a new mantra in my head. Make it stop. Kya and I would both get what we wanted.

I went to my room and laid on the bed waiting. After fifteen minutes my stomach started to cramp a little but it wasn't happening fast enough. I sat up with the bottle in my hand feeling increasingly angry. Thoughts spun in my head: Kya's angry face, Selena luring me across the gym, Kyle asking me to dance. Make it stop. I thought about Dad and Mama and Abuela and Caleb but pushed those thoughts away, they would be fine. Hiccup whined and scratched at my door and the sound made me crazy so I turned on my radio.

Another ten minutes had me woozy and I headed into my own bathroom. Make it stop. I used my heavy stone soap dispenser to crush the plastic casing on the razor that I had recently started using to shave my legs. Taking one of the blades I took a deep breath and ran the sharp edge across my wrist. I didn't press very hard so it was barely more than a scratch. Just enough to draw tiny beads of blood along my flesh. So I did it again, and again, pressing harder until the blood ran and dripped.

My heart pounded in my chest. My pulse pounded in my head. Someone pounded on the door. Make it stop.

"Blakely!" More pounding. My head spun. Something crashed. Hiccup's whining got louder. The shouting got louder. "Blakely!" Make it stop. Then it all went black.