That Was Then

63- Now

I am quiet in second period, Vivi and I sit next to one another in the back of the room just like we have since the first day but we don't say much. My verbal vomit before first period has left me emotionally drained and I'm not even close to done yet. It's not like I just get a free pass for keeping things from her just because Kya was super shitty to me once upon a time. I've got some serious butt kissing to do where she is concerned but it's still a relief to know that she doesn't hate me.

I still have to talk to Eden, Allie and Tatum. I can't just unload everything on them like I did with Vivi. I have to figure out how to tell them enough without telling them too much. I want them to know that my past with Kya has nothing to do with my friendship with them. For Eden, at least, that is entirely true. Maybe with Allie and Tatum it didn't start out that way but it definitely became true. I don't know how, but I need to make them understand.

And of course, there is still Kya. I am not naive enough to believe that this thing with her is done. I pass her in the hallway on the way to AP English and it occurs to me for the first time that my disappearing act for the past few days has given her the chance to write the narrative on this whole mess. She could be telling them absolutely anything and I haven't even been around to defend myself. She might already have them convinced that I am the bad guy in this and that I only became friends with them in order to hurt her. I swallow hard, trying not to let my guilt show on my face. I hate that things started that way. She flips her fine blonde hair over her shoulder and gives me an icy stare. I glare right back, you don't scare me anymore, I want to scream at her. And it's mostly true. I don't want to look weak and be the first one to look away but I kind of have to when I run into an open locker. My shoulder bears the brunt of it and it doesn't hurt but the obnoxious clang leaves my cheeks burning. The hall is filled with loud voices and lockers slamming and I don't think anybody notices my collision.

"Shit, Blakely, I'm so sorry!" It's Jackson Terdy. He stares at me genuinely with big brown puppy dog eyes and I wonder if his apology goes deeper than just his locker interrupting my stare down with Kya. I stare at him long enough to make him squirm. I don't have the time or energy to dissect this, so I just nod at him and make my way to class.

Eden is in her usual spot and she is watching the door when I come in. Watching for me? She doesn't look away when I offer up a weak smile and I take that as a good sign. I wipe my palms on my jeans and take the seat in front of her. She stares at me openly, waiting for me to speak so I do.

Things go so much easier with Eden than I could have ever expected. She's forgiving and even understanding and that reminds me of what Paige said about how Kya tried bullying Eden at one point. I want to ask about that but I keep reminding myself that I can't make any of this about Kya. Eden is a logical person so she understands that, of course, I wouldn't want to tell them about how Kya and I were best friends once upon a time and then she totally flipped the script. And then we were quite the opposite of friends. I don't go into too many details, I don't tell her any specifics. I duck my head and tell her that I wasn't exactly popular in middle school and well, Kya was. I leave it at that and for Eden, that's enough.

"I just didn't want to make things weird," I say, "I became friends with you guys and you're friends with Kya..." I trail off. Maybe I should be candid, explain to her how I schemed and planned, how I wanted to get even with Kya for what she did to me but then I would have to tell her all of the things that Kya did to me. I justify my omission. 

To be fair, even Lonna agreed that I shouldn't go into all of the sordid details after I finally came clean with her about everything. To say she was a little disappointed in me would be putting it mildly. Not that she came out and said so exactly but she didn't have to. We were on a Skype call and while she's rather gifted at keeping her expression neutral most of the time she had to practically scrape her jaw off the floor after I told her. "You did what?" She asked at least three times. Then she regained her composure and we discussed my repentance at great length, weighing all of the options. If I told them everything then I would be blaming Kya and I need to take ownership. 

"Well it definitely explains a lot, you guys were both so weird about each other," Eden organizes her book, notebooks and pen on her desk the same way I usually do. She knits her brows together thinking things through, "that's why you asked about how I'm friends with her and why she said..." she doesn't finish her sentence. I want to ask what Kya said about me but I quite literally bite my tongue. It doesn't matter anymore.

"I'm so sorry," I utter for the hundredth time at least. 

"No more lies, okay?" Eden asks with her serious brown eyes.

"No more lies," I promise and I mean it.