That Was Then

62- Now

Caleb is waiting for me in the morning, back pack slung over one shoulder and leaning casually against the building looking like a model in a back to school ad. I pause for just a second to stare before he notices me. His hair is wet from the shower, shining and dark with the sun beaming down on it, messy in a purposeful kind of way. He's looking down at his feet, pushing a rock around with the toe of his sneaker and his hands are stuffed into the pocket of his jeans. I stop staring before he, or someone else, notices me creeping and make my way toward him.

He offered me a ride to school this morning but he has football practice after and I don't want to wait for him. Not at the school anyway, I'd rather go home and wait for him to come over after practice where I can get things ready. Because while I have no idea how to try to fix things with my friends, I have a pretty good idea on how I'm going to make things up to Caleb. It's Mama and Dad's anniversary and they will be spending the night in the city so Caleb and I will have the house to ourselves.

"Hey..." I bite my lip as I approach him, unsure of what to expect exactly. Sure, he is acting as my protector, there to walk me to class so I don't have to face my self inflicted problems on my own. But all of our communication the past few days has been via text so it's hard to gauge how he's feeling.

"Hey," his voice is warm but he withholds his smile and I could really use one of his smiles right now. I look down and drag in a shaky breath knowing I should say something. He reaches for me, his hand closing around my wrist and with a little tug he closes the distance between us.

"I'm sorry," I tell him with my face pressed against his Clemson sweatshirt. He doesn't tell me that it's okay or that he forgives me or anything that I need to hear. I know that I don't deserve it but it would still be nice. But he does keep hugging me and that's kind of the same thing.

"Ready?" He asks.

"No," I shake my head but let him lead me into the school anyway. I keep my head down in the hallway, opting to watch Caleb's back instead of risking making eye contact with anyone in the hallway. I have no idea just how many people witnessed mine and Kya's temper tantrum Friday night and I already had enough to deal with today. Besides, watching my boyfriend walk isn't exactly awful. I let my eyes wander down to his jean clad ass for just a second.

"Blakely," somebody shouts from down the hall and I cringe, not sure what or who to expect. Mara bursts through the swarm looking like a pastel colored cartoon character and wraps an arm around my shoulder with a wide grin plastered on her face. This is not the welcome that I was expecting. Her white blond hair has been colored the palest shades of baby blue and bubble gum pink and looks like cotton candy piled on top of her head. She has paired the look with a too tight peach top and lilac colored leggings that look like they were painted on, just begging to get dress coded.

"Your hair looks amazing," I tell her, genuinely.

"No need to suck up, babe! I'm totally on your side on this. I think you're brilliant, I'm all for some cheerleader sabotage!" She smacks my ass hard and then pulls away, instantly swallowed up by the crowd before I even have a chance to respond. Caleb shoots me a look over his shoulder and I just shrug. There is no way the rest of this day will go as smoothly as that but I'll take what I can get.

In our first period class Vivi is sitting regally in her desk. She stares straight ahead with perfect posture, not even talking to Aiden. Aiden had known just about everything from the start from Caleb because apparently you're supposed to share these kinds of things with your best friends. And clearly Caleb is a much better friend than I am. He had told Aiden and Aiden had not told Vivi. I caused a rift in their relationship. He is sitting dutifully next to her and offers me a look that I interpret as pity, or maybe scorn. We are early and there are still several minutes before the bell is going to ring so I still have a little time to throw myself on the ground and beg for her forgiveness. Or at least to plead my case and try to make her understand.

Caleb slips his thumb beneath my bracelet, letting it slide lightly along the smooth scar before letting go and taking his seat next to Aiden. He's telling me to trust her, to be vulnerable and lay it all out there. Not quite the tactic I was going to go for but he has been right about everything else.

"Vivi," I say her name like a plea and I didn't think it was possible but she sits up even straighter. She does not turn to look at me so I don't give her a choice, I sit in front of her. "Can we talk?" Tears well up in my eyes and I imagine I look awfully pathetic because after what feels like a week, she sighs and nods.

I squeeze as many details as I can into the nine minutes we have before the bell rings: how Kya and I were best friends until middle school, how looking back it was never a very healthy friendship, what happened in middle school. I tell her a few of the specifics, the years of Kya and her friends torturing me. Her eyebrows knit together in horror and concern. I tell her about the dance and I tell her about after the dance. I move my bracelet to reveal a silvery scar on my inner wrist. Shame and embarrassment are surely turning my skin a blotchy red and I can't meet her eyes but I know with Vivi at least I have to lay it all out. My eyes fill with tears and I keep them fixed on the unfocused glittery glint of my charm bracelet as I slide it back into place. She places her hand over mine and squeezes. 

"Okay Blakely, it's okay," she says and it's all I can do not to completely lose it right then and there. I swallow the lump in my throat and blink hard against the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. "We can talk more later." I nod gratefully and finally meet her eyes. They shine with tears just like I'm sure mine do. 

I know that I will have to approach things differently with the others, they are Kya's friends too. I will only tell them as much as I need to, I won't try to make them choose sides. And only partially because I'm afraid they'll choose hers.