That Was Then

66-Now

I stare at my reflection in the mirror, lacking the energy to bother to blow dry my hair I've braided it into two Dutch braids and no amount of makeup will hide the fact that I spent half the night crying. I reach for my charm bracelet in it's usual spot but it's not there. I remember leaving it on the kitchen counter before the whole romantic hot tub night fail. Only it's not there either. Panic sets in as I search the floor in case it fell.

"Mom!" I cry when I can't find it anywhere. "Have you seen my charm bracelet?!"

"What charm bracelet?" She hollers from the other room.

"My charm bracelet." I repeat dumbly, as though saying the exact same thing will clear it up.  Duh?" I'm freaking out a little and already late for school, so even though I never go anywhere without it, I have to get going.

Caleb is not waiting for me outside of the school like the day before. I put my chin up and walk in by myself. I am buoyed by the thought that Allie is willing to talk to me today. And with her, probably Tatum too. But I can't help but feel that I'm taking one step forward and five steps back. I really screwed things up with Caleb and he's not even in first period so that I can talk to him.

"Are you sick?" Vivi asks, looking concerned. This only confirms that I look as crappy as I feel. My eyes fill with tears. "Blakely, are you okay?"

I shake my head, "Caleb and I got into a really bad fight last night and now he's skipping class so he doesn't have to see me!" Tears spill down my cheeks.

"He's not skipping," Aiden maneuvers his hulking form into his desk, "he's got PT this morning. Probably tomorrow too. Gotta be in tip top shape for that Clemson recruiter coming to watch him play tomorrow night, and his knee has been bothering him from blowing it out last year."

It's official, I am the worst girlfriend in the world. That must have been what he's been trying to tell me since last week. He has a recruiter from his dream school coming to watch him play and I didn't know. I didn't even know about his knee. I have been so incredibly selfish, completely consumed with this petty drama.

Even though I've already texted Caleb seventeen times in the past twelve hours, not that I'm counting or anything, I text him again:

Please talk to me!

I'm sorry for being a shitty selfish girlfriend!

Of course he doesn't respond. He hasn't responded to any of the previous seventeen.

"I wouldn't worry too much about it, he's crazy about you!" Vivi reassures me and I try to pull it together because I've already been a shitty friend, I don't want to be a needy one now too.

Caleb finally texts me back during English to tell me that his phone died last night and he just finally turned it on.

I'm not ignoring you, I just need to focus on football right now.

My heart clenches and does a thing where it feels like it's sinking into my stomach. Is that his way of breaking up with me?! No, Caleb wouldn't ever break up with someone like that, not even if they were being a totally crappy selfish girlfriend... would he?

I try to push the thought away and focus on class. Our teacher is droning on and on about As I Lay Dying and stream of consciousness, she's got a serious thing for Faulkner.

Finally, class ends and I'm walking numbly toward photography. I have to push Caleb out of my mind and focus on dealing with Allie and Tatum. Except that the bell is only seconds away from ringing and they're still not here. I watch the door pathetically for the second day in a row. Just as the bell rings they come skidding through the door.

"Cutting it close Miss Flores, Miss Thorn," Mr. Tanner admonishes them.

"Sorry, Sir," Allie says with mock formality and salutes him. They make their way back to me and I'm not sure what to do with my face: smile? Look apologetic? I offer up an awkward half smile and then bite my lip.

"We tried to get here in time to talk to you," Tatum whispers loudly and gives Allie a look, clearly blaming her for being late. Mr. Tanner starts talking at the front of the room, glaring at us.

"I had to fix my makeup," Allie whines.

"Ladies..." Mr. Tanner warns us.

Allie drags Tatum and me to the front of the room right at Mr. Tanner. "We need to use the restroom."

"All three of you?"

"Yes, it's a lady emergency!" Allie insists. "My period just like exploded and I..."

"Okay just go!" He grimaces and waves his hand to stop her, dismissing us all.

"Your period exploded?!" Tatum finally lets out the laugh she's been holding in when we are a safe distance from the classroom.

"It's not like he has a clue. The grosser you make it sound the quicker they want you to stop talking," she beams proudly. Solid advice. 

When we make it to the bathroom our giggles dissolve into serious faces. A toilet flushes and a girl that I don't recognize washes her hands and makes a hasty exit. The faucet drips noisily and it smells like urine, bad perfume and wet socks. I've practiced what I'm about to say at least a hundred times so I take a deep breath to start but Tatum cuts me off, "Kya said that you only tried to become friends with us because you hate her and wanted to turn us against her, is that true?"

I open my mouth to speak, choosing my words carefully. I don't want to lie. "I don't hate Kya," that's true now. I don't have anything nice to say about her, but I feel like I've finally moved past hating her. "But I definitely didn't think I would end up liking and becoming friends with her friends, but I do and my friendships with you guys are genuine," I tell them sincerely. So maybe I skirted around Tatum's question a little bit. "Kya and I had our issues in the past but that's where I'd like to keep them." I try to salvage part of my speech. And I mean this too, I don't want to let Kya take up any more space in my head. She did a lot of messed up things but she has to live with that, not me. Of course she'll still be around because we have mutual friends, hopefully, but I've officially let my vendetta go.

"So then why didn't you just tell us?" Allie asks.

"And say what?! One of your best friends despises me, but lets be friends anyway!" I roll my eyes. They both laugh a little and shrug. 

"Okay yeah, that would be weird but I would think at some point one of you would tell us," Allie is looking over my shoulder at her own reflection in the mirror. She pulls out her signature lip gloss and smooths it over her already glossy lips and I take this as a good sign. I don't think she would be worried about her makeup right now if this was a huge issue. 

"She's your good friend, I didn't want to say anything bad about her," I insist and step aside, giving Allie full access to the mirror. Tatum is looking at me skeptically and Allie is silent. "If I was trying to turn you against her wouldn't I have... well tried to turn you against her?!" I throw my arms up in the air. "I would have talked about her. I would have told you bad things about her," true things, I think but don't say aloud, "but I never did..." 

Allie turns to Tatum and they exchange a long look, wordlessly coming to whatever conclusion they'll come to. I squirm a little, nervous for their verdict. 

"True..." Tatum finally says. 

"So, what happened between you two anyway?" Allie asks, turning back to her reflection.

I had planned for this question, "just middle school bullshit, like I said, it's in the past now. I want to move on, I hope she does to. I know we'll never be friends ourselves but I hope that doesn't affect my friendship with you guys." I do my best to look contrite. I can't control what Kya says about me from here on out and I'm not sure how much I'll let her say before I feel the need to defend myself. I truly just want us both to let it go. 

"Okay," Allie finally nods after starting at me, instead of her reflection, for a long awkward moment. Tatum nods too. I let out a breath I hadn't realized that I'd been holding.