My Secret Love Song #TransPRIDE

15: Matty's Mistake

^Matty and Appa^

PART 2

"Go get him Mahi! I believe in you!" 

Appa cheers little Mahina on as she skates towards my on the ice rink, coming close to the goal as hold out my hockey stick, ready to protect it from the puck she had sliding between her skates. Her fierce look of determination marked her dark gray eyes as she came close to defeating me. And in her eyes, I saw small fragments of my older brother passing through her little soulful being. 

She kicks up the puck with the stick and uses all her strength to catch me off guard as I struggle to leap in the way of the hard black puck hurtling in my direction but it hits the net behind me and I'm left on the cold ice, groaning with defeat. 

"I DID IT!" She screams and goes back to her grandfather with cheerful glee as she jumps up and down on the ice.

"Mahi be care-" Appa tries to warn her but it was too late as she slips and falls butt first on the hard solid surface.

***

"So talk to me Ninja, what's going on with you,"  Appa asks as he hands me a small cup of hot chocolate before sitting down on the bleacher beside me. Mahi had already fallen asleep on my lap so it was just my dad and I sitting on the top of the bleachers as the rink started to flood with skaters again.

"A lot of things Appa," I sigh and take a sip of the warm liquid, letting it slowly trickle down my throat and Appa gives me his full attention like he always does.

While Eli was given the nickname of peanut because she was always lacking in height and weight, I had been stuck with ninja. When I was little it was because of my impossibly high amounts of supercharged energy but as I grew older he told me it's because I'm always wearing a mask. Hiding my true emotions from the world while a display Matty worked his way through life. Seeming unguarded when there were actually a hundred padlocks waiting for someone to defeat them. 

In five years, Ivy only got through maybe six or seven. So I know it's impossible for anyone to have the time, patience, and dedication to make it through all of them. 

"Well, we have all day," he says and takes a sip of his own hot chocolate leaning back against the wall.

"I found out I was dating a homophobe," I reveal and he chokes on the hot drink, I pat him on the back as he tries to breathe again. 

"Matthias why," He rasps before he clears his throat.

"I dunno Appa, she said some really nasty things when we broke up and then she tries to fuck me one last time but then I was like 'oh hell no', and that's where I got these bruises from," I explain in simple terms and my poor Appa still tries to catch his breath.

If I explained the situation to him like I had with Eli, I feared he would do the same thing but I just wanted to move on from the whole thing, to be honest. 

I lean back against the cool brick wall and let out a long sigh. 

"Why would she care?" He asks and I shrug.

"I dunno, we talked about families a lot and she did say she hated my family. You guys were so nice to her though so I never really understood why until now." Stressed out, I run my fingers through my hair and close my eyes.

"I'm sorry honey, but there most definitely are better people out there. I know it sucks and it hurts like hell but just keep yourself busy with your friends and the youtube career you got going on here," He says and I open my eyes again. Bringing my hands down to my waist.

"She said our family is fucked up because we don't have a mom," I say and Appa looks down at Mahina, tilting her head so she was more comfortable. 

"Well, she's wrong. Our family isn't fucked up and you don't need a woman as a parent to be raised right. Look at you guys, your father and I raised four beautiful children and you came out just fine," He gets defensive but I had more to ask.

"When Taehyung and Aiden had Mahina they got a surrogate. But what about Eli and I? Appa we look so much like you and dad but... How did we get here?" I finally ask and he bites his lip, staring down at the paper cup in his hands as if it would somehow give him a way to exit this conversation.

"Well Matthias, I guess you're at an age where you can understand and I wanted to tell both you and Eli about your birth story with your dad but..." He sucks in his breath and puts the paper cup to the side before untucking his dress shirt from his pants.

"Appa? What are you-" 

When he slowly peels down his dress pants I see the long scar running in a horizontal line across his lower abdomen. My jaw unhinges as I take it in and the true meaning of that scar before he tucks his shirt back in and shakes his head.

"You know you really got your nicknames from when I was pregnant with you two. Your brother always had the softest little flutters for kicks and he was also very tiny compared to you and your humongous self. But you were just evil, always giving me hard kicks to my ribcage when I least expected it. I would get so mad at you and your father use to laugh when I chastised you in utero," He shares the memory with me but I was so conflicted. 

On one hand, I felt like my entire childhood was a lie, I was led to believe something completely different. When I was younger and got into petty fights with my Appa, I always cursed him out and said he treated me different from Eli because I'm not his. It must have been so hard for him to hold his tongue to keep the truth from my stupid younger self.

But on the other hand, I could see why they kept it a secret. Eli and I were too young to understand what Appa giving birth to us meant. They didn't want us to feel different or reveal our birth story to strangers who didn't know. Which easily could have led to other things.

I thought I had no tears left to cry but they manage to spill out anyway and Appa quickly envelopes me in his warm embrace. 

"Shhh, I'm sorry to disappoint you, sweetheart. I know how much you wished you weren't actually mine," he coos as I cry into his shoulder. I wrap my arms around his strong torso in so much pain, I felt like I was being ripped to shreds.

"No Appa, fuck...no that's not it," I cry and he gently rubs my back. 

"I know ninja, I was just being sarcastic," he chuckles and I grip him so tight that I feared the moment I let go it would be a lie or he would say I'm just kidding.

"I feel so ungrateful," I sniffle, soaking in his warmth as he held me like I was a child again but neither of us cared.

"All children are ungrateful, it's when they become adults that they truly appreciate all we did for them. I think you've just become an adult," he giggles with wisdom and I just wanted to hug him forever.

"I'm so thankful to have you as my Appa, I love you," I sniffle before finally pulling away to find a few tears dripping out of his light brown eyes too.

"God, I've always been so scared to tell you two," he admits and ruffles my hair.

"But I raised some amazing babies who are so strong and so beautiful on the inside and out. I'm so proud of you boys," he says and I wished Eli was here, knowing she would be just as emotional.

"I love you both so much it hurts, but I know you will always have a piece of me in you," he says and kisses the top of my head.

"How did you do it?" I ask and he shrugs.

"I'm intersex," he says but he didn't need to explain. I knew what intersex means. It's like a third gender. 

"Now enough questions, why don't we go get lunch and film your video?" He hints and my eyes open wide in shock.

 I totally forgot about the music video.

"And do me a favor. Don't tell your brother,"