Better Than I Know Myself

Chapter Three

(Jesse's POV)

I wake up the next morning feeling better, in spite of the day I had yesterday. It was the first full night of sleep I had in a long time. I don't know if it was the painkillers my dad gave me or for once I didn't have to worry about someone coming into my room and hurting me. Whatever it was, I just knew I wasn't going to have to sleep with one eye open anymore. I get out of bed and stretch. I wince a little bit. I had forgotten about my injuries maybe my dad is right about having a bruise rib. I am getting my clothes ready to shower when I hear knocking on the door.

"Come in," I say as I sit down on the bed. My dad walks into the room and sits next to me on the bed. "Hey dad, what's up?"

"Nothing just want to know, how did you sleep last night?" My dad asks as he smiles at me.

We ended up just catching up yesterday. Willow was out of town, so it was just the two of us. Just like it used to be before everything happened. It was the most fun I have had in a long time as well.

"Believe it or not, it was the best night sleep I have had in a long time." I can see the smile fade from his face. I know what he is thinking about, he feels bad that he didn't help me sooner. He is always going to blame himself for everything I went through. "Dad, I don't blame you nor should you blame yourself. What happen happened, it's in the past now. The only thing to do is move on."

"Jesse tell me the truth, when did she really start hitting you? Don't tell me it started the day you were kicked out of school for the sixth time." My dad asks.

I didn't want to tell him. He will only blame himself some more. I get off the bed and go over to my bag and get my clothes.

"Dad it's all in the past now, let's not worry about it okay." I head for the door, but stop when my dad speaks.

"It started when I told your mom I wanted a divorce and moved out didn't it?"

I stand there with my back to him. I can't bring myself to turn around and face him. I can already feel the tears building up.

"It was also the same time you started cutting yourself too, wasn't it?"

I drop my head down and let the tears spill. I turn around to face him. Once he sees my face he walks over to me and hugs me.

"Oh my god Jesse, shit why didn't you tell me it was going on for that long? You should have told me the first time she laid a hand on you."

I step away from him and wipe my eyes, before I say anything. I take a deep breath and look back at him.

"Because I deserve every hit, every cut I made I deserve it. You should have let me die that day you found me. I don't deserve to live after what I did; it's my fault Holly isn't here. I was a selfish asshole and I forgot about her and look what happened. She was taken and now we don't even know if she is still alive. Every day I go on living is a reminder that I screwed up and my mom always made sure to remind me." I feel my legs give out from under me, as I crumble to the ground and break down crying.

"Jesse don't say that. You made a mistake and that's what makes us all human, nobody is perfect. What your mother did to you isn't right, nor did you deserve it. No one deserves to be treated that way for a mistake, they couldn't help."

"How can you not be mad at me and blame me for what happened to Holly? You should hate me, but you don't. Why?"

My dad grabs my face and looks at me.

"You are my son. I love you and I told you nothing will ever change that. I know you didn't intend for something to happen to Holly that day. You made a mistake and I know how hard it is for you to accept that. I just want you to forgive yourself for it because if you don't you will never be able to live your life."