Devotion [h.s]

234

Louis Tomlinson

Hey journal, how's it going?

Not that you'd actually answer but I feel like people always talk to there journal like it's an actual person. Anyway here I am back for another daily entry. I'm surprised I've been going at this for so long, I thought I would give up after the second entry if were being honest. But yet here I am, seven months of an entry everyday and I'm already on the third fucking journal.

It's day 216 that Liam has stayed here, and still no progress. I know I'm not a therapist, and I know he should see one - but I can't. If I send him to a therapist, he will reveal the truths about the gang and he'll be sent to a mental hospital if not prison for being affiliated with Malignant. Plus, I have no authority over him, I can't tell him to go to a therapist and just expect that he'll listen. We don't even talk, basically just two old friends that live under the same roof.  I never see him, ever. We live in the same average size house, yet I never see him unless he's going to the washroom or grabbing something from the fridge. And even if I see him at those times, there isn't any communication. He always seems to go to the kitchen or washroom when I'm not here or in my room. He spends all day and all night in his room, choosing to leave it in the depths of the night to go to the kitchen or whatnot.

I've tried to get him to get out more, I've asked him if he wanted to go to even just little places like the grocery store or even for a drive, but he always turns it down.

I always hoped he was going to get better. At the beginning I thought he just needed time, but now he's had time and with zero progress. I don't know what to do. I want to help, but just like around fifteen years ago.. I don't know how to help someone this depressed. I just don't want him to end up like her.

If maybe I tried harder with her, then maybe she'd still be here. It's the reason I took Liam under my wing in the first place - I don't want him to end up like her.

My mother.

Mrs. Carolynn Tomlinson, such a troubled woman. The strong root to all my problems but hey, this isn't about me. Carolynn Tomlinson was a lot like Liam Payne. She boarded herself in her room and avoided all responsibilities and hope to get better. The only difference between her and Liam was that Liam wasn't choking down any form of liquor in his room, well that I know of anyway.

It's not that Carolynn didn't have enough shit to be sad about. I mean her husband died, even though he was a strict cheating bastard. And she did loose her son Noah when he was only a year old to an incurable disease. So all she had left was me, and I wasn't a kid to be proud of. Maybe with her support I would've turned out better, but once again, this isn't about me.

The point is, I know the signs of this form of depression and I don't know how but I'm going to try with everything I have to make him better. Carolynn died by driving her vehicle into the lake because the sadness consumed her. I won't let that happen to Liam. I've been trying for 216 days already but I'll do it till the end of time if that means he lives as long as me.

I'm doing it because he was my friend, a friend I lost that day of the battle. I'm doing this for the fourteen year old Louis who sat on the front porch cursing at himself after finding out about his mother's death on the way to the liquor store, hating himself for not doing more to help her. I tried to save Carolynn, but there was only so much a fourteen year old could do. I made sure she ate and I'd keep the house clean, picked up all the beer bottles on her bedside table, do the grocery shopping, pick up a paper route job for extra money, all of it. But it wasn't enough. She still left like it was nothing. She didn't leave me a note or anything, just some more empty beer bottles in her room to pick up. So at fourteen I managed to have nothing. No mother, no father, and no baby brother. I had to move in with a distant relative in the states, but not for long because I went to juvy a month into being there for stealing a car and joy riding it across town. Given I was only fourteen and I stole the car it landed me some time behind bars.

But if I didn't get to prison, I would've never met Liam who was in the cell across from mine. When I felt like I was at rock bottom, he was there to tell me other wise. He helped me when I was nothing but a pissed off teenager with an attitude. He became my first real friend, telling me about his screwed up past and how he got to where he was, making me not feel so much like a freak after all. He then introduced me to Niall, and eventually we all met Harry.

Liam helped me when I felt like I couldn't be helped, and now I will do the same.

I will save Liam, no matter what.

//

I know this chapter is short but it's very significant to what's to come. Everyone has always asked to hear about Niall and Louis' background and we are finally getting to it!

This chapter is really telling of Louis' personality and why he is the way he is (if you read between the lines about his baby brother and stuff)

And yes I don't really use the real mother's names in this, same for any relatives the guys have.

We will be hearing more of Louis' past and such soon!!! xx!!