Devotion [h.s]

259

Hey y'all it's been a week I'm so sorry! I've been done exams and I'm on Christmas break. I haven't been updating because I kinda low key have been getting drunk every night since being home with friends lmao!!

Amelia Adams

I stood in the bathroom mirror, staring at my own face in the reflection. My hair was wet from my shower and a towel was tied around my body. It's been two days since I finally broke down, and five days since we found out about the miscarriage.

I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how different I seemed but I couldn't exactly decipher what; I just looked different. I had bags under my eyes and felt like I lost some colour. I was probably just feeling this way from lack of sleep, because I for sure haven't been getting a lot of it.

Every time I shut my eyes I just relive the moments I knew I lost our baby. I keep reliving this nightmare of bleeding out and it was making me go insane. I was afraid to sleep, afraid of myself.

Every since I let my emotions go that day with Harry, I can't stop crying now. I cry out of the blue all the time. I cry in the shower, cry while going to sleep, cry while putting Briar down; I just cry.

I'm so tired of crying.

I see the way Harry looks at me when I cry, broken. There was nothing he could do but wrap his arms around me and try to talk me down from the tears. He's been great, the best person I could ask for to go through this with, but he doesn't deserve it. He didn't deserve loosing a baby that he wanted. A baby he said he'd be so excited for if I was pregnant. He hasn't cried, which is normal for Harry because it takes a lot for him to cry, but I know he's miserable as well. He walks around the house in his own little world, not speaking much and doing virtually anything besides spending time with Briar. He comforts me 22 hours of the day, but it was hard to comfort someone when you were just as broken yourself.

We lost our child, Parker.

Boy or girl, they were going to be named Parker and we would've loved them so much.

When I'm accompanying Briar throughout the day, I get especially emotional because I couldn't stop thinking about Parker and what they would've looked like next to Briar. Or what they would look like in general. In my head, Parker was always a boy and I had a strong suspicion this baby was going to be a boy. I was spending my days picturing them next to Briar of what I though Parker would've looked like.

And it wasn't that I didn't care about Briar, she is my absolute everything and everyday I'm so thankful for the beautiful gift I was given. She will forever be the product of love that Harry and I had for each other. She was the best parts of both is us and I'll never be able to described how much I love her. The measure of how grateful I was for her was infinite.

But I couldn't stop thinking about the baby we lost, the the purist form of life that I killed.

"Hey.." I heard the familiar voice come from the doorway to my right, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Harry was standing there with his hand on the open door handle that I didn't even realize he opened. He had a dark grey crewneck sweater on and his black jeans.

"Hi.. sorry do you need in here?" I ask considering I've been taking up this bathroom for probably far to long now.

"N-no. But would you like to go on a walk with me?" He asks out if the blue, catching me off guard.

"A walk? Like with Briar?" I ask in clarity.

"No just the two of us, Niall said he'd watch Briar." He says. We never really go on walks so this was all very confusing to me.