Devotion [h.s]

282

66 Days without Amelia

Harry Styles

It's been four days since Briar was taken from me, and it's been my fourth day sober. I've gone through a lot of pain in these past few days, physical and emotional. I haven't had any form of drug in my system in 96 hours and although that was a good thing, it made me feel like shit constantly. I went from being high on coke and oxy for 3/4 of the day to not all. My withdrawals were impeccably difficult but I won't let myself go near any of that again after what I've done.

I've spent these four days at Mary's house, sleeping in Adrian's room which I thought would be weird but surprisingly it was the least of my worries. She offered if I wanted to sleep in Amelia's room as well, but it was too hard. As much as I wanted to smell her scent on the sheets and see pieces of her clothing, I was nervous that it would make me miss her more and I wasn't ready for more added heartbreak. The memories of her in my head were enough to ruin me as it was.

I confessed to Mary everything I did, everything I was hiding from her. I told her about my drug problem and what it made me do— how it made me loose Briar. I knew she was going to be disappointed in me, but surprisingly she was understanding— or so she displayed. She just told me everything was going to be okay and she was going to help me get better so I could get Briar back as quickly as possible.

A lot of me wanted to say that I can just stay at my house on my own and get better, but I know that me rejecting help is apart of the reason I lost everything. I needed to swallow my pride a bit and understand that I can't just do everything on my own at times like this, I have to start letting people help me when I need it.

Because it wasn't just me anymore, my daughter was on the line by my choices.

So Mary and I agreed that for the first few days I will stay here with them and then she will come stay at my house with me to translation back into living comfortably in my own surroundings.

I am really thankful for Mary, but I don't know how to show it. I've never known how to show thankfulness to anyone other then Amelia, and even then I don't know if I did a great job. I hope she knew I was so thankful for her.

The last thing I wanted though was to impose my stay here. I think Ben doesn't completely hate me, but I'm still not sure if he likes me rather then the fact I'm his daughters baby daddy. If anything he just puts up with me because Amelia loves me. So I don't really know where we stand in the whole 'me staying here for a few days'. If I get any vibe he doesn't want me here then I won't hesitate to just go, once again I don't want to impose.

My only goal is to get my daughter back— to take her out of any system she's in right now and never let her go back. I filled out all the paper work and it's being processed right now down at Children's Aid. I get to see her in a couple days and it's been my only count down—I missed her so fucking much.

I stared at the ceiling of Adrian's room, my hands folded on my stomach while I was lost in my thoughts. Mary has gotten me into quite a routine now. I get up at eight, work out for an hour here in this room, eat breakfast, listen to music, help Mary with something around the house, eat lunch, go visit Amelia, eat dinner, go to bed reading. Although this routine sounds very healthy, I'm leaving out the part that Briar is on my mind 24/7 and how I can't do absolutely anything to see her. I do this routine to help me get through my days, to distract me from her and the need to turn back to a artificial comfort.