My Life Right Now

August 31, 2018

Right now, while I'm writing is 8:05 a.m So I'm at school right now.

Let's just say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed the bed this morning. I had a plan to use the light rail to go to school; this is something my father DOESN'T want me to do. I can't write this all out right now because I don't want to cry on the second day of school. So I'll write about the first day.

The first day was uneventful. It was the normal run of syllabi throughout the day. In my second period, advanced English, my old classmates from middle school were in the class and it was super awkward. I didn't think they were smart enough to make in this class. However, I'm glad they were they, especially Emilio. I have the strongest connection with him out of all of them, even though I pretend to hate him. I really don't. It's just easier to since I still have a reputation to keep up with.

He popped up again in sixth period, molecular biology. Again he was late. Now that I look back on it now, I think he was late for all of his classes. I digress.

In molecular biology, we had to pair up for a scavenger hunt and I'm glad he paired up with me. As extroverted as I seem to be, I'm actually so much more shy than expected. Especially if you know me.

Lunch was probably the worst part because I had no one to talk/socialize with. It was very awkward. I felt so alone. And it's the same right now. Right now, is lunch time. I don't usually eat lunch, so it's just me sitting on a bench with my phone, typing away another chapter.

I have made friends now. Well, sort of. They are my friends, but we aren't that close. I always seemed to forget that other people have more important—stable people in their lives. I guess I really am that conceited and self-centered.

Just this morning two or three hours before school, I was just thinking about how glad I am for having so much self–esteem. Some people have the lowest self–esteem and it's difficult to get out of. However, I get really selfish from time to time and I find it disgusting. What a comedy? Me, myself, disgusting myself. It's absolutely degrading of how self–centered I get. That's one thing I hate about myself; I can get so disgustingly conceited. When somebody asks me that question, what do you hate about yourself, I always play it off like I'm too perfect to hate myself. Most of the time I'm so into my act that I lie without noticing.

Now, I know and have been know for quite some time, that I've been lying to myself for a long time. Saying that I'm perfect, that I'm fine, that I'm okay. But I know the truth. I know who I am. I just get so caught up in my own lie that I've just lived in that facade, so have other people. And I like the facade I've created, but it can't stay. It's not me. The real me is an emotional "crybaby" that fears abandonment; a lost child looking up for someone to help me.

Tell me, do you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?

As I was talking about earlier before I cut myself off, this morning, wrong side of the bed.

I woke up earlier so I could go to school early to see how to get a bus/light rail pass so I wouldn't have to burden father with the traffic. However when I got there, the machine didn't have enough change to split a twenty-dollar bill. I had to walk large way back. Father found out and I, ashamed, cried on the way back. If you couldn't even get a ride on light rail, how could you do anything else? How could you show and be independent when you become an adult? Stupid girl. You could never do anything by yourself. You needy, insolent, burden. You are useless. You can never do anything right.

Soon after that, my father took Kyle and I to school.

That's how my day went so...

Good luck in life, Loves