My Life Right Now

June 19, 2018

Today was uneventful. I was supposed to go to work, but I'm in my period right now. My dad said that Priscilla is to take me back home, but Priscilla was being stubborn and said no. I got to the garden and bursted into tears. I don't know why. I usually don't know why I cry anytime. It's probably because I'm used to crying to get what I want, which is selfish, stupid, and sycophant-like. My dad saw this and called Priscilla to turn around and take me home so she did. I spent the rest of the day home. I'm not sure if this is a perk in having a period, but at the time this is.

I ate quite unhealthily today to. I only ate a loaded breakfast sandwich from Jack in the Box and two bowls of ice cream. I usually always eat like this, unhealthy and unfully. It's a bad habit.

I didn't spend much time in Wattpad this time. I was planning on how I should be packing for the road trip; it's a long list.

I also watched Everything Everything again for the second time and I just can't think of falling love like that. It's just irrational and nonsensical to fall in love with someone, but more importantly, me. (Self-centered, I know right)

In this year, Shahil said/texted "I love you" to me. Not in a lovey-dovey type of way, sort'ta like a super close-family-friend type of way and I understood that completely. (The as a friend part)

At the time, I didn't understand why he'd text me that. I genuinely thought that there was something wrong with him. Maybe something traumatic happened recently? I just could grasp as to why he would even utter those words to me. As a result, I texted Jasleen to see if he said the same thing to her too. She responded yes. I was explaining how worried and concerned about him. She said that I was overthinking and now that I'm looking back at it now I guess I was, but I don't think she understands why I was overthinking.

I have a tendency to analyze people's behaviors when I'm bored. When I tried to explain that I analyze people to my friends, they think that I'm just stalking. I don't blame them for thinking that. People are different and have different personal definitions for everything. I consider it stalking when it's cornering one person about everything repeatedly. After Shahil said that, I hyper-analyzed him that week and found nothing. I was hoping to find out something about his relationship with his actual family, but I found nothing. So I just assumed that he really, actually, genuinely loves me/us. His action later on reflected his words and it just made me feel so stupid for thinking so much about this one thing he said. I really was overthinking.

I've lived for a long time (honestly didn't think I'd get this far), and I've even analyzed myself and why I felt so genuinely concerned as to why my friend told me that he loves me. I knew it wasn't because he's a boy (because I'm a feminist). So I came to the conclusion that I have a tendency of belittling myself. I always see the worst parts of me and think that someone would have to be crazy and mentally insane to love me. I assume that most people think that too. I don't blame them or myself for thinking that way. We're always by ourselves in everything. You can surround yourself with millions of people, and still be alone (Quite the oxymoron, isn't it). No one has been through everything you have, except yourself. You, alone, has been through all of your situations. With you being alone all of the time, you, as a human (I assume), think about yourself and focus so much on how you are and what you are and realized how wonderful and horrible and beautiful and humiliating you are. This is why we put ourselves down and belittle ourselves all time and why we're so alone, trying to spare our inner monster from making people's lives less horrible.

Overall, people and you are always alone, accept it. With all of that loneliness, we all focus on ourselves and realize the disgusting monster within us, so we try to hide it to make people like us more. Then, we re-realize that no could ever love us, love our monsters.

I can't find an answer as to how people find love. I haven't even found love. I guess it's because I don't want to, knowing that the person I like could and should never like me back.

I hope to find a solution as to how people fall in love. I hope that the longer I live, the more situation, problems, questions, and solutions will come up. I'm sure they will; there are lots of little reasons as to why something big happens.

In all honesty, this is just a rant of overthinking a moment that has already past.

Good luck in life, Loves