What I Really Am ~ Tododeku

4 - i can't do this

the door flung open, but quickly closed. there was chatter outside, but i ignored it. right now, i was in the middle of a kiss with kaminari, which brought many thoughts to my head.

why is he doing this? why won't he tell me where momo is? why am i... enjoying this? do i really like kaminari this way?

is this right?

after a short and quick minute, kaminari pulled away with a smile. he let out a shaky breath, hands still cupping my face. i had just noticed my arms were wrapped around his waist, and he was sitting on my lap. "so.." kaminari began, "what does this mean?"

he paused, waiting for my answer, but i was still unfocused. what DID this mean? why DID i enjoy this.. kiss? was this okay? can i manage this?, was all i thought. for the past few weeks, all i had been longing was a little love. something that i had not been given, something that momo had not given me. but was this how i wanted it?

"i'm not sure." i spoke. kaminari's cute smile dropped into an unsure frown, his hands slowly slipping from my cheeks. the warmth had left me, but i was already so familiar with this feeling. i could take it. "what do you mean..?" kaminari asked, tilting his head. he slowly made his way up from my lap and stood in front of me. i did the same.

but he had asked me what this all meant. the kiss, the smiles, the love. how did momo play into all of this? that's what he was asking. what are we gonna do? that's what denki kaminari was making sure of. are we in love? and are we willing to make the sacrifices for it?

i'd love to say yes, and it hurts me to say no, but i'm just not ready for that.

"i can't do this." my mouth opened, and the words just fell out. it was as if i had been waiting to say that. but deep down, i don't think it was directed to kaminari. and i'd have to face the consequences.

my head rose up to face kaminari, and i watched as tears rolled out of his golden pupils and traced down his delicate cheeks. my eyes followed them as they landed on his sweatshirt and disappeared.

not even a minute after that, he reached for his bags and headed for the door again. i hated watching this. i hated watching people i love walk out the door, without saying goodbye, and never returning. but again, thanks to a certain someone, i was used to it.

kaminari's hand gripped the doorknob, but he didn't move. he sniffled a little and took a deep breath in, then faced me. "todoroki.. i've tried to understand. but i can't. i don't see how you could be so in love with such a person." he spat, eyes narrowing and piercing daggers into my sight. i kind of wish that he was actually doing so. "that isn't your problem," i shot back, "i fall in love with the people who i choose. and you fell in love with me. doesn't that make you my equal?"

"no!" kamimari yelled. "you're just like jirou.. so blinded by the people who you're— apparently— in love with, but they don't return those same feelings. and when someone caring, understanding and loyal does give you a chance, you reject them."

i took in that small speech, my teeth clenching. i thought that through, actually, and took it to heart. am i blinded by momo? is our spark... lost? but the most confusing part was that name, i assume that's what it was: jirou. who's jirou? how's she related to kaminari? is she related to momo, too?

as i was in my small little world, kaminari had already opened the door and began stepping out. my eyes quickly jumped and my legs shot forward, racing towards the door. kaminari was already down the hall. "...and that's where momo was. and always will be. so watch out for jirou, if you really do care." was all i heard, and he disappeared down the stairs.

"jirou?"