Returning Red

#8: Bucket Lists.

dreaming of wonderlands, walking to wastelands

Isabella

Every individual personality is like a coin. It was two different sides. Neither one of them is right or wrong. The sides show up according to the situation. It's like two people co-existing silently in the body of an individual. Every personality has two people breeding in it, and I know I'm no exception to this theory.

One part of my personality is how life wants me to be. An aspiring role model, a successful entrepreneur, values right out of the Bible and ethics as noble as an aristocrat. A responsible child being who keeps it in mind to give back to a life from which we mostly take. A striving daughter who takes on the world, a caring sister who can be the whole team of Avengers combined in one person, and a good friend because goodness is all that's needed in friendship. A loyal love, a humble human, and a spectacular soul. Yearning, earning, and striving to achieve these.

And then there's this other person, who might not be as sunshiny and sparkly when compared to the former type. This person is chaotic. Her feet don't grow flowers, they grow storms. The sky hoods and the clouds darken as soon as she steps foot. Her decisions are like volatile volcanos; calm for most of the time but suddenly bursts into flames and change the course of the world. Her world. Life disagrees with everything about this person. The way of living, the recklessness, the spontaneous wildfires, and the carelessness. This person lives for the moment, unaware of what might flame in the next. This person has no goals, no plans, no future, and only memories of the past.

I don't know who I become when the world hands me a blank manuscript of its next scene that only reads my first line and leaves the rest of the pages blank. I don't know who takes the pen and scribbles the next happenings. The people in my head are constantly at war. Who am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to live life according to the sparkly way it prefers? Wake up every day and try being the perfect, flawless person or can I derail and enjoy the storms a little? Can I flip life a finger for wanting perfection and show how recklessness can be beautiful too?

I don't know who I am and sometimes, I feel others don't know who they are either. I wonder which personality in them takes control when they are talking to me.

I glance at the cleaned dining table as I pick up the leftover cake pieces and put them inside the fridge. May is taking a shower in my room, so I utilize the time I get to align the stuff in the kitchen according to my OCD. This is the first time I'm recognizing the different kinds of OCD that people have.

My OCD likes everything aligned parallel. I like keeping things straight, in crisp angles and unmessy intersections. I arrange colors from dark to light, cups with handles to the diagonal right, and fridge magnets in a horizontal line. May's OCD is oddly different. She like everything parallel too but it's all the other way around. Her angles are messy and she uses the divergence pattern while arranging the spoons and the forks, making it look like a rainbow curve. She arranges things from light to dark and her cup angles are diagonally left-aligned. She divides the fridge magnets into equal rows and columns.

Maybe the two persons inside her head are opposite to the ones in mine. I turn around when my anxiety stops complaining and head over to the couch the same time Jason joins me from the guest room.

His blonde hair is darker. I'm guessing it's been two to three days since he last shaved his beard. His body is toned better than before and he's changed the way he's built his muscles. He's less athletic and rangier. I see a new hinting tattoo peeking from behind his neck until his trapezius. It looks like feathers on either side of his neck but I can't clearly see it from here.

"You got a tattoo?" I ask as he stops in his steps before reaching the couch.

His hand brushes the back of his neck and he turns around, looking guilty. "Yes. All of us did. It was a new year resolution."