Returning Red

#29: Conclusions Confessions Confusions.

not just promises, you broke me

Isabella

I devour five gulps of the whiskey without breaking our eye contact. We looked into each other's eyes a little too long to deny the connection we strongly felt. A little preview of a hundred ways how this can go wrong flashed against my eyes like a film reel. I chug the bottle away, tearing our gaze apart. This is not going to end well. I need to get a grip of myself before I entirely lose it. 

No one could say Austin Cooper can be unkind with the way he's staring at me. He looks like a naive, innocent child who is deeply wounded and is still figuring out ways to heal. He wasn't dominating Austin anymore. He was high school Austin now. With a heart full of care, eyes full of kindness, and impossible to hate. I loved this shade of him too. He didn't have a shade I didn't like. In spite of being drunk and angry, he looked as handsome as ever. My heart weighs down with guilt and I can't look him in the eyes again. He takes the bottle from my hand and takes a sip. 

"It hurts so much when you make leaving me look so easy," he spoke gloomily. I sighed, staring at the bottle in his hands. I gulped air because guilt was anyway piling up inside my chest. "I wish you knew how bad it fucked me up, Izz." 

"Austin," I whispered when he took a breath. 

I glanced at him. His eyes were tearing up as he looked away from me. His hand brushed through his hair. His tries to distract himself were terribly failing because the tears in his eyes only seemed to puddle up more. 

He bit the insides of his cheek after sipping another gulp. "It's crazy how someone can be your entire world and then just like that they disappear from your life like you never knew each other. Like total strangers. They break you in ways you never knew you could break, and leave you all alone to put together the pieces." He wiped his eyes from his free hand and took a sip again. 

"Austin, please, stop," I tried to take the bottle from his hands but he lightly pushed my hands away. 

My lips dry up and my throat constricts as I watch him struggle to relax himself. My eyes sting as I feel tears cloud in mine, mirroring his eyes. 

"When you left me, you were the most important person in my life, Izz." He scrunched his eyebrows and a tear fell down his eyes. "And you knew that. You knew that better than anyone else. You knew that and you left like I was never a reason to stay." His hand covered his eyes and his head sunk down. 

I watch him grieve and a tear slides down my eyes. I guess it's universal that if we love, we are bound to grieve. That is the deal, it's a pact. Grief and love are always intertwined. Grief is a terrible reminder of the depths of our love and like love, grief is non-negotiable. I like to think of Austin Cooper as completely healed and happy one day. A possibility. Hope. Someday. 

"You've concluded everything pretty well in your head," I say softly as I watch him look up to me with a tear-stained face. 

"Of course, when your unsaid goodbye to me was through a text message, I was kind of forced to fill in the lines." He immediately looked away and took another sip. God, I wanted him to stop drinking. "Do you know how bad unanswered questions can fuck you up? A part of me wants all the bloody answers and explanations but another part of me just doesn't want to know at all. I want to keep holding onto you and at the same time, I just want to let you go. Parts of me wanted to ask you to stay. To come back and fight for us, to fight for me, but a certain ideology impeded me from coming behind you. The thought that if someone loves you enough, they'll stay on their own, without you having to beg them to."