Undercover (Larry Stylinson)

18. hunger hurts

A few days had gone by since the parent teacher conference and Louis hadn't heard from Harry. He figured he was busy sorting things out with Niall. Maybe he even went to New York to visit him. Well, actually that couldn't be because his car was still in the driveway.

But he was probably doing something related to Niall. 

Louis didn't understand why he felt so jealous of Niall. After all, the lad had been stranded and kidnapped in Russia for months on end, where he was tortured, starved and god knows what else. He's probably the last person he should be jealous of. 

However, despite his horrible luck, Niall did have something that Louis didn't. Harry. 

From the day he mentioned Niall, it had become increasingly clear that Harry would do anything for Niall - that he was one of the most important people in his life. And Louis would never be able to compete, as a friend or otherwise. 

Louis thought back to when he asked Harry if he loved Niall. He said he didn't know. But the look in his eyes when he found out the news of Niall's return was stronger than any kind of verbal response, and Louis started slowly distancing himself, backing away. 

Or at least he tried to. Despite their rocky relationship, he and Harry always had a way of gravitating towards each other in times of struggle. And that's exactly what happened all weekend long as Harry went through the ups and downs of coming to terms with Niall's arrival in the states. 

As they lay crying in each other's arms all night, Louis couldn't help but feel safe, wanted even. And in that moment, nothing else mattered. Not Niall, not Moscow, not Liam, not their small town. Nothing. 

Just Harry. 

It was always just Harry, wasn't it? Ever since Louis first saw him at the key pickup a few weeks ago, there wasn't a moment that the green eyed boy wasn't running laps through his head. For reasons he couldn't quite explain, Harry made him feel like he was being pulled in by a magnetic force. Like he couldn't break away from the curly headed lad even if he wanted to.

And he never did. In fact, when he found out how complicated and mysterious Harry was, it didn't scare Louis away; it just made him want him more. 

As he sat staring at his lunch in the break room, Louis wondered why he always got into messes like this. He was already notorious for falling for people fast - or at least faster than the other person in the relationship. But his feelings with Harry had reached a new extreme and he wasn't sure if he would be able to recover from this, especially when Harry left forever and didn't come back. 

Sighing, Louis picked up the turkey sandwich in front of him and tried to focus on the TV that was playing softly in the back of the lounge. But even that couldn't distract from his thoughts - and instead, he began to replay memories. Him and Harry going to get shakes. Their drunken night at the pub, which he could only remember in bits and pieces, but it was still at the top of the list of his favorite memories, only coming second to the night he ran into Drake at a club in Toronto. 

The montage of memories was enough to put a smile on his face for a brief moment, but his happiness came crashing down when he returned his attention to his sandwich. He took the first bite, the bread feeling soggy on his tongue. The turkey was far too cold and slimy- and the cheese, had it gone bad?

Louis put the sandwich down, feeling repulsed. Though he was no stranger to food aversion. Situations like this happened nearly every day, and at this point, he wasn't sure if he could trust himself anymore. Liam had checked the sandwiches and dishes he brought for lunch on multiple occasions and always found them perfectly tasty and with absolutely no spoilage. 

The truth of the matter was that Louis had ruined his appetite and cravings by going on crash diets and eating the same exact things for  months on end. He once ate the same exact sandwich every day for both lunch and dinner for a solid nine months. So it was no wonder he could hardly stomach the sandwich in front  of him. 

To combat this problem, he would often try to mix things up and prepare new meals. But sometimes even that didn't work. At the end of the day, after multiple failed attempts to eat, he would often be left with a throbbing headache and a growling stomach. 

Usually, at night, he would finally be so hungry that he would eat. Sometimes it would lead to a binge, sometimes it wouldn't. But whenever Louis did lose control with food, he would try to make it up with exercise... or, as Liam had witnessed many times, purging. 

He didn't want it to have to come to that, though. He never wanted it to come to that. Because it was so unpleasant, so shameful. He didn't want to be that guy. Yet at the same time, he had no other way to cope. 

So he tried. He tried so fucking hard to eat normally during the day and keep it down. Some days he did, others he didn't. It really just depended on how things were going that day, his mood, his appetite. All of which tended to vary wildly. 

One thing, however, that Louis was always sure to do was avoid desserts. Not only did desserts give him extreme anxiety in regards to his weight, but they were also a surefire trigger for a binge episode. Unfortunately, the more Louis restricted sweets, the more he craved them. And he often ended up bingeing on that at some point anyways. 

That was definitely not something he wanted Harry to see. Which is why he refused the churros when they were in the Mexican place. He remembered the way his cheeks flared red and his breath hitched when Harry offered him the sugary treat. He wanted it. He wanted it so bad. 

He just wanted to be a normal person for once. To just enjoy a small piece of dessert. Even a bite. But of course he couldn't. Of course he had to be fucked up. 

So he chewed on the inside of his cheek, gripping the table with white knuckles until Harry stopped asking him to try it. 

He can never know about my eating disorder, Louis told himself. 

Though keeping it under wraps was easier said than done. Harry had a bit of an idea of what was going on, though he didn't know the details, and Louis always kept his answers vague and indirect. He didn't want people knowing about his secret in general. But with all Harry had going on, he especially didn't need to be dragged into Louis' years long battle with demons even he sometimes couldn't identify or differentiate. 

Differentiate. 

That's probably the best term for it. Because it's really a battle of trying to figure out what's going on in your head. And whether your thoughts are actually naturally, organically yours. Or if they're the voice an unwelcome friend, the eating disorder. 

At times like this, where he physically gagged on his turkey sandwich. He wasn't sure which voice was which. Was the sandwich really disgusting? Or was it just his eating disorder preventing him from eating? He could never tell these days, and it just made him feel worse about himself. About his body. About his relationships. 

Everything felt worse lately. Everything. 

"Lou, are you done yet? It's almost time for class."

Liam's voice interrupted his thoughts and he looked up to find both Zayn and Liam canoodling next to the nearby copy machine. 

"Please stop," Louis groaned, tossing his untouched sandwich back into his bag. He took out a granola bar, one of the few things he could stomach, and began to wolf it down quickly. He needed something to tide him over. 

"Yeah, actually Zayn, we really should," Liam said, taking his arm off of Zayn's waist. "This is so unprofessional."

"Do I strike you as professional?" Zayn giggled, looking down at his Birkenstock sandals and green cropped jeans. 

"Get a room," Louis groaned as he headed out of the break room. 

He heard the guys giggling behind him, but all he could focus on was the burning pain gnawing away at his stomach. 

This has to end, he thought to himself. But when?