Undercover (Larry Stylinson)

27. i'm not

"Are you really fucking serious right now?" Niall growled.

"Ni," Harry breathed. "I just want you to feel better. That's it."

"But a trauma center? Harry. Why are you treating me like this? Like I'm some fucking crazy person?" Niall said.

Harry leaned forward, putting a hand on Niall's knee. He looked into his deep blue eyes, which were wet with a mixture of rage and betrayal.

"I'm sorry," Harry croaked. "I just don't know what else to do."

"Do nothing," Niall said, pushing Harry's hand away. "I'm more than capable of looking out for myself. I told you the gun thing was a one time thing...."

"Because I removed the gun," Harry replied. "I saw you look for it. And the glass? Niall, I'm terrified you're gonna end up hurting yourself. Love, please. I just want you to feel better."

"Harry," Niall said. He looked deep into his eyes, furrowing his brow. "I'm never gonna get better."

"Don't say that," Harry replied. "It does get better. It's just not a linear path like you think it'll be."

"Well it is for you," Niall said, rolling his eyes. "Probably because you spent so little time there."

Harry shook his head fiercely, grabbing Niall by the arm. "You don't know what you're talking about. I still have episodes all the time. Just this morning at Louis', I dropped the pan and thought I was back being shot at in Moscow... it's, I'm fucked up too... I just don't like to talk about it, with you...."

"Oh," Niall said, his face softening. "I didn't know..."

"It's okay," Harry replied. "It's okay to be in a dark place. It's really... I know."

Niall was silent for a while and then took the clipboard, which Harry had been trying to get him to fill out for the past twenty minutes.

Harry smiled encouragingly as Niall put pen to paper and began to fill out the information, checking off boxes of symptoms and writing a short note about his history.

His history. How specific was he supposed to get about that? He could write a whole novel about his history. But most people had already seen his story on the news, hadn't they?

Clicking the pen shut, Niall sighed and handed Harry the clipboard to hand in. But he couldn't get the word "trauma victim unit" out of his head. That was the most harrowing part for him. That other people got to decide he was a victim. That other people got to decide he has trauma.

It was as if he was incapable of deciding for himself. Of doing anything for himself, really. Deep down, Niall knew he was traumatized and deeply scarred by what happened. But the truth was he was scared to face his demons. He didn't want to have breakdowns. He didn't want to run every time he heard a loud noise. He wanted to be normal, but was terrified of finding out that he might never be again.

"They're ready to see you," Harry said softly after he finished handing in the paperwork.

Niall nodded weakly before heading into the tiny office at the end of the hall, this time without Harry.

"Hi, there," said a middle aged woman with short dark hair.

"Hey," Niall replied. He took a seat on the tan couch across from her, folding his hands on his lap in a neat pile.

"What brings you in?" She asked.

"What did I fill out that paperwork for?" Niall snorted. "Clearly you read it."

"Trauma from kidnapping, yes," the woman said, glancing at the clipboard. "But I'd like to hear your side of things. Your story."

"I don't want to talk about my story," Niall replied blankly.