Blair's Bucket list

Chapter 13- Meaningless controversy

Blair's P.O.V.

This past week I've been utterly confused as to the way Max has been acting. He seems off in a way, but when I look in his eyes I see a totally different emotion than what I would expect to see. He looks excited, and I'm not sure what for.

I guess Christmas?

Leaving the house is getting tougher, my body is becoming very frail, I've had to skip school a few times because of the amount of excruciating pain I was feeling. The pain I feel is indescribable, when the doctors asks me to tell them on a scale of 1-10 how much pain I'm feeling, I'm unable to answer because I feel like I'm slowly dying.

When I fight against the pain of dying that's when I'm in pain the most and sometimes I just feel like giving up.

I haven't told Max this because we all know how he'll react, he's more of a girl than me at times. Totally joking I love it when he begs me by saying how much he loves me, it makes me feel needed for once.

For Christmas I ordered Max the Harry potter series both movie and book form, I also got the one and only J.K. Rowling to sign it, he's going to love it.

I bought him clothes because he still hasn't been to his house yet and he wears the same crap all the time so I basically bought him a closet of clothes that I picked out. I didn't really know how else to thank him for everything so I kind of made a huge payment, not that it affects my family at all but, I bought him something that I know he won't accept at first, I'll probably have to beg him to accept it.

Max being the perfect boyfriend always shows up to every single one of my chemo appointments, I couldn't really ask for a better guy. It makes me think how lucky I am to experience true love, some people never do and I feel sorry for them.

My mom always worries about how I'm feeling so Max suggested to my mom to have me homeschooled, at least I experienced some what of a high school experience?

I look over to the left of me and see Max peacefully sleeping, gosh, I love him so much.

"What'd you say baby?" Max mumbles in his sleep, well at least I thought he was asleep.

"I said that out loud?" I ask confused, shit I have a problem with saying stuff I'm thinking out loud.

"Yup, now say it again." he lifts up his head from my chest and smirks at me like a the little dweeb he is.

"I love you so much." I kiss his nose and ruffle his bed head.

"If you love me so much give me a damn real kiss." he pouts like a legit puppy, like I said earlier he's more of a girl than me.

"Jeez sometimes I wonder who the girl is in the relationship." I roll my eyes at him.

"Is this your way of making me prove I'm a man, because baby, what's mine is yours."

"Your seriously thinking about this already? Didn't you wake up 2 minutes ago?" I ask completely confused about what goes on in a males brain.

"I have morning wood, of course I'm thinking about it, plus I'm always thinking about you." He puts his face right where my shoulder and neck meet and nuzzles into it.

"More like worrying" I mumble under my breath.

"Heard that, and seriously you expect me to be fine with the condition your in-" he lifts his head up clearly getting angry at me."you have bags under your eyes all the time, you've become skin and bones, you're constantly tired, I never know what will happen at any given moment. So don't you dare get pissed at me for worrying about you." He says while pulling on his dark curls that I love so much.

"I'm not the bad person here Max, if you don't want to deal with me like this than why are you even here?" I grit through my teeth, I'm so exhausted I don't have enough energy to fight all day.

"You know what, your right. I'm going to go to school and we will continue this shit of a conversation later." He jumps at of bed to go get clothes for schools.

"Whatever you say, Dad." I say sarcastically and throw my head back on the pillow.

"What did you just say?" He asks, annoyed once again.

"FORGET IT." I yell into my pillow.

"I'm sorry that I care about you Blair, please forgive me for wanting to know that the love of my life is still alive. I can't do this anymore if all we are going to do is fight, it's driving me crazy." He semi yells.

"THAN LEAVE." I just want to go to bed.

"Why do you do this? God dammit. Why can't you need me the way I need you? I feel like this whole damn relationship is crumbling because of that asshole spreading inside you. I know I don't feel your pain, I get that, but if you love me at all, you'll fight this for us, for me, for our damn future. I want to have kids with you Blair, only YOU. I won't settle for god damn less, so please just try to get through this." By the time he finishes we are both crying. He barely finished his speech before sliding down the wall so he's sitting with his head to his knees. I know he cares, he probably cares way to damn much. I get up slowly trying to do it without too much pain.

I consciously walk over to him and run my fingers through his hair. He looks up, his beautiful blue eyes that I fell in love with staring at me. I motion for him to get up and he does. I push up on my tippy toes and kiss him.

"I love you." I whisper against his lips.

He nods "I'm going to get to school, I'll see you when I get home." He barely kisses me before putting his shoes on and grabbing his backpack.

"Love you too, bye." He tells me while closing the door.

This feeling sucks, I know we both love eachother so much, that's why we have these awful fights all the damn time.

What scares me is that I love him so much, it hurts sometimes. It's not really something that can be explained but my heart sometimes hurts because I love him that friken much.

My mom tells me it's a good thing, that this type of feeling only comes around once in a lifetime, that I should cherish it. She told me that's how she felt towards my father, she cried. Hell she cries all the time because of what happened to him, me on the other hand, I barely knew him but from what my mom tells me, I would've loved him.

I'm worried that in the future Max will be in the position my moms in, and I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. My dad, he couldn't change what happened to him, it was sudden, me on the other hand, I can fight this shit.

That's what I intend to do.